Memoirs of a Samurai Barber


18 x 4 (that is, eighteen questions of four sets) administered by The Dane Favorite band? Well, it’s a toss up between GWAR and Herb Albert and the Tiajuana Brass Favorite band-aid? Thurston’s. Favorite colour? Brown Favorite colours to be found on your barber's pole? Red and white, of course. If you were a donut, what kind would you be? I would be a maple bar because of all the job opportunities. Why do you start crying if you look at the sun for too long? because the sun’s rhymes are so phat they sizzle the retina. Goatee or sideburns? sideburns because I have them. Do you fear babies or rabies more? And aren't they really the same when you get down to brass tacks? I fear baby rabies most of all Funny you mentioned rabies, babies, and brass tacks in the same questions. Was that intentional? Seems like someone has been watching Dallas. SETH! Do you eat fish? I’m half Phillipino now, of course I eat fish. Do you think we should take Canada quickly by force, or through years of duplicitous negotiations? Canada is already ours. It is better to maintain a front of Canadian self-rule until we have Barbados. At that time it will all fall into place and we can finally get the real lawn darts back. Man I hate the Girl Scouts. Do you think God hates homos? Funny you should ask. I was just talking to a rabbi and he said, "if God hates homos then why did he create hot pink." Good answer, don’t you think. Do you think it's offensive to call people who choose a homosexual lifestyle "homos"? Certainly not. I have a homo friend whose birth name is ‘backdoor stan’ but I just call him ‘Homo’ and he just smiles and tries to get a pinch of my butt. Ever since I have been friends with Homo Stan I have invested in the reaserch of electric jeans. What's your sign? Lavase las manos What do you want out of life? Tuff question, since it borders on the serious. I’ll go with eternal life in heaven. Sounds sweet to me. What do you want out of your social life? I already got it. Her name is Connie. Now there is no need for society. We are moving to Barbados to fight the good fight against the Girl Scouts. What do you want out of your bank? an appology. Which do you put on your eggs: catsup or ketchup? I have a strong leaning towards ketchup, but it really depends on the eggs. Give me a couple of Wooster Spotted scrambled and catsup brings out the prenatal corn fed chicken flavor; ketchup will just make it taste like an your eggs are your run-of-the-mill Nebraska Smooth eggs. Now it gets real tricky when you start fixin’ you eggs in exotic styles, like a Milwaukee easy-over with Malibu Straight eggs. In this case it really is a toss up. Ketchup hits you hard at first and then finishes clean, nice when you are in a hurry and out of coffee. Catsup, on the other hand, gives it a real earthy flavor and fits in nice on a leisurely Sunday morning with a newspaper. The variables are too great to give a simple answer. You need to refine the question. So. Why hair-cutting for your life's ambition? I just want to make the world a better-looking place. What do you sing in the shower? I usually rap. How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? Let me get back to you. If you were a Bruce Willis movie, which would you be? Like Duh! Hello! Cha, is it even possible to be any other movie besides Hudson Hawk. Can I be in your posse? Seth, if you could learn the secret handshake and keep a ironed shirt in you car, you can be in my posse. You find a sizable, lavender lint ball (with a hair going through the middle of it) in your dryer. Do you give it to your potential new beau? no. Thong or g-string? G-string. I hate panty lines. When I say "1980s," what's the first song to come to mind? "Living on a Prayer" for some reason. I am quite disappointed that this song is the first to pop in my head. Thanks a lot Seth. When I say "poor fashion taste," what do you think of first? Calf-highs. In case you don’t know what I am talking about, calf-highs are sometimes refereed to as cappris or peddle-pushers. I prefer the term calf-highs because it is an ugly term to match an ugly style. Ladies, I know you have them and you think they are cute, but they aren’t. Just make up your mind and buy shorts or pants. When I say "Bananas in Pajamas," how do you most want to respond? Huh Huh Huh. Will you hit me as hard as you can? Whenever, wherever. If you Levens any kind of haircut, what would it be? The Daytona Fish Fleet. Do you get along with ethnic people? When I want to. When I said "ethnic people" just now, were you afraid? a bit. Who do you most identify with: Bruce Campbell's Ash (from Evil Dead) or Sloth (from The Goonies)? Thanks Seth. Have you ever kissed your mom... in that way? Oh my goodness. Ewwwwwww.... I said, oh my goodness. If, because of entering into the Witness Protection Program after providing testimony of your intimate knowledge of the dealings and activities of the notorious Gambino crime syndicate, you had to change your name, what name would you pick? Booker T. Washington. Have you ever awoken with a horse's head on your bed? sort of. How much do you like kitties? Enough to keep them away from my Phillipino wife. Do you have any regrets? Yes. Do you have any regrets involving kitties? Yes. How about with swords and haircuts? Never. What slogan or colloquial phrase best describes you? "The time keeps it with all of that gravel" Are you a traveller? In my dreams. Are you a peach? Some would say that. Are you a glue stick? Not since ’93. Would you rather surf or cut hair? It isn’t right to pit my two favorite pastimes against one another. But I guess I will go with cutting hair. If you could have one literary figure-come-to-reality fall indefensibly, unassailably, and just plain madly in love with you, whom would you prefer him (or her) to be? John F. Kennedy Do you ever misuse the word "unassailably" yourself simply because it sounds cool? perhaps. Are you a registered voter? I think so. If you were, would you be a Libertarian? Do they have any ties with the Girl Scouts? I didn't think so. Cool. What's your favorite hymn? The threefold amen. What's your favorite him? My Grandpa. What about her? My Connie. Are you shy? Aw shucks blushing What is your honest opinion of basset hounds? They need to come with a roller skate for their bellies. What's your favorite boiled cabbage joke? What is the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart (presumably caused by an excess consumption of boiled cabbage)? One is a bar room and the other is a BARROOM! Thinking as would a praying mantis, under which circumstances would you devour your mate? Any. Under which circumstances would you join the circus? If I could find one managed by Swedes. When did you first realize that you were not a midget clown? I’m not?!? When did you first realize that you were not a seal? When I first say a picture of a seal. They are much grayer than myself. Who, if given the choice of all people (past, present, future), has the head of hair that you would most like to cut? Dave Mustang. High-end blockbuster or edgy art film? Can I modify that last choice? If I can, I would prefer an edgy fart film. Rice: steamed or fried? Dang it. This is one I still haven’t figured out. Music: vocal or instrumental? Instrumental. I don’t have really good hearing and I can never pick up lyrics. So for me, singing just becomes another instrument and I could care less what they are trying to say. Besides, can a 19 year old, college drop-out, confused playboy, rock ‘n’ roll star really have any sort of intellectual contribution??? I will grant the possibility. Recognizing your fashion prowess, could even you make a tube top or pedal pushers look good? Give me enough accessories and I can make anything look good. How often does your mommy embarrass you? Not enough. How often does your wife embarrass you? Too much. How often do your so-called friends embarrass you? Bring it on. Are you black? half. Are you sure? partly If you ever gave me a haircut, would you intentionally miss? depends on if I thought I could get away with it. I thought so. like your cut?	The Memoirs Proper Endorsements Make Your Appointment Today The Dane The Drunken Poohbear The FossDog (Ha Ha) The Irrepressible Levens October 2001 September 2001

18 x 4