The Audio Stylings of Chris Levens
"I'm a Gangster"

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I want you to know how pathetic I am. Do you want to know how pathetic I am? Well let me tell you. When I use the term, "pinch a loaf" I can't stop laughing. But you know what, I wouldn't trust a man who can't see the humor in the phrase. Like me old pappy used to say, "Never trust a man who doesn't think a fart is funny". These are words to live by.

I used to live by three sayings, one for each element of a man - the physical, mental/spiritual, and the social.
1) Mental/Spiritual - "secure your actions" - While in High School I heard a Del Taco manager tell an employee this once and still don't know what it means. The enigmatic nature of the saying lends it some authority and you feel good about securing all your actions. Plus, it made me laugh.
2) Physical - stretch every day - this isn't funny or a saying, but that makes it funny since it is posing as a saying in my mind.
3) Social - "Never trust a man who doesn't think a fart is funny" – I don't remember where I heard this, but I do remember that it is true. Think about it. Who do you know that doesn't laugh when you fart? Would loan that person you car? Your baby? You soul? I wouldn't. Don't you remember the story of the day Anton Levey dressed up like the Pope on judgement day? St. Peter didn't know which one was good and which one was bad. Who was he going to let into heaven? St. John, who was always a bit sharper, tooted. Well, neither of them laughed and they were both sent to hell, but that is besides the point. Had one of them laughed, after kicking the other one into the lake of fire, John and Pete would have put their arms around the giggling saint and escorted him through the pearly gates. Nuff said!
 11:38 PM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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Is it just me, or does bannana Lafey Tafey taste like there is butter in it? I'm still trying to figure out if I enjoy them.
 8:18 PM   •  6 satisfied customers!!  

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My top 5 elements, in no particular order.

1) Carbon, of course.
2) Helium, I love the cool gags you can play with this friend.
3) Nitrogen, keeps my plants healthy
4) Gold, keeps my teeth nice and pimp
5) Oxygen, let's face it, I'm hooked on the stuff.
 1:08 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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The Friday Five , written on Monday by me, JJT.
1. What's your favorite time of day? Really early before cars are rushing about and everybody is awake. I rarely am up at this lovely time, but when I am I am at peace with the world.

2. What's your least favorite time of day? In the middle of the afternoon when business is in full swing.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl? I don't like this question. I love early mornings and late nights. I don't like afternoons. I am equally both a morning and a night person.

4. If you had an entire worry- and obligation-free day, what would you do with it? In theory, I would go somewhere with my wife during the day, like breakfast, than chillin' at the beach or hicking or something, than chillin' with friends at night, preferably at a smokey dark jazz club, which they don't have in South Orange County. In reality, I would probably still do the breakfast thing wit' me wif', then probably catch up on the trillion house projects we have started, then at night watch a movie or hang out with the family.

5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? I'm going to a wedding at Lake Tahoe. Do a bit of dice rollin', ya know?


 8:43 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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We really need to make driver licences more difficult for the elderly to get.
 12:06 AM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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Mr. Bungle's Disco Volante made me quite happy today. I just sat down and listened to the entire album all the way through. If you haven't experienced Mr. Bungle's Disco Volante then you need to rush out, purchase the album and listen to it all the way through. Now mind you, you probably won't like it the first or fifth time you listen to it (not too encouraging is it?). But by the time you listen to it the tenth time you will have come to like the crazy stuff. Upon your first hearing, you won't think it is music; upon later listenings, you will. That's just the way Mr. Bungle works. It grows on you like fungus. It is a wonderful disc and I haven't grown tired of it yet.
 10:28 PM   •   like your cut?  

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I particularly enjoy the mad scientist characters from ancient Sci-fi. They are regular Joe-Smoes who go a bit overboard on their garage/basement science equipment. Completely devoted to the advancement of science, but unable to receive public funding, they spend every waking hour tinkering with chemicals, electricity and animal parts. Considering the price of science equipment, we must assume that they either have a day job or are independently wealthy. Let’s not assume that they have some evil organization (like the Girl Scouts or Microsoft) financially backing them. Any large evil organization that needs scientific research is probably in cahoots with Grey Davis and the UC system, utilizing public funds to carry out their evil research. We can rule out the day job idea; how many mad scientists manage a Starbucks or sell wholesale band equipment? To conduct serious science they must spend more than a few hours each night. If they spent the sufficient amount of time they wouldn’t be able to keep their day jobs, especially if they come to work everyday smelling like formaldehyde and sporting black fingertips. So we are left with the idea that they are independently wealthy. Now why would someone who is independently wealthy spend every waking hour in their basement playing around with high-tech science stuff (like an interositer)? Well, I think we can safely conclude that this is why we need to emphasize the madness of the mad scientist. I don’t think ancient Sci-fi spent enough time developing the mad scientist character. I want to know more. We all need to better understand our wealthy, mis-directed local high-tech lunatics.
 9:22 AM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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If I had a slave, I would want a Mesopotamian slave.
 12:49 PM   •   like your cut?  

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Since I have been out of work I feel like Mr. Mom. I wake up, make my wife some breakfast, see her off, do the dishes, vacuum, mop the floor, watch soap operas all day long, play poker for coupons with all my wife's friends (and I just lost two La Victoria coupons to Blanch. Blanch, if you are reading this I just want you to know that I'm going to get those back on Thursday). Scratch the poker and soaps, the rest is true. Out of this experience I have learned two things.

Lesson 1) For the most part females are better at cleaning than males. I think it has something to do with the fact that females actually want things to shine.

Lesson 2) I don't like to organize. Life is one gigantic mess that I have to organize. I'm getting tired of it. Added to this bummer is the fact that all jobs require a degree of organization. I'm pretty good at organizing, I just don't like doing it all day long. I wish I had a slave. No wonder everybody wishes they were royalty.
 12:48 PM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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Looks like this new war going on is a war of the gods. You have the Muslim god verses the American god. Reminds me of ancient days when warring tribes fought in the name of their gods. The defeated tribe was forced to submit to the victor tribe's gods. And why not, isn't it obvious that the victor tribe's gods are greater than the defeated tribe's gods? Isn't this how the 'Holy' Roman Empire spread? Isn't that what we are witnessing today. The Muslims see this war as a holy war. Though they are smaller and out-matched, they will win because their god controls all things and will not let his true and faithful people suffer defeat. They are like Israel marching around Jericho. But then you have the American god - the god of freedom, equality, opportunity, cable T.V. This god has been undefeated since his inception about 200 years ago - with a few minor setbacks. Who will win? If the American god wins, it would make sense for the Muslims (well at least the radical right Muslims. The more moderate Muslims seem to worship the American god by a different name) to admit their god was powerless. But what if the Muslims win? This little, backwater village destroying the American Goliath with a stone? Wouldn't that be something? Definitely one for the history books. The Muslim god would be victorious over the American god. Jeepers!

I'm just glad there isn't any 'holy land' in the new covenant. My citizenship is in heaven thanks to our victorious warrior Christ Jesus.
 12:07 AM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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Papaya is the Filet Mignon of fruit. It's texture is so smooth. I would like to transcribe a poem Robert Frost dictated to me before he died.

Oh Papaya,
You are a frictionless plane
Your mass is a vacuum of evil
Like Filet Mignon, you yield to my hunger
The moment your silky substance rests upon my tongue
Your hands raise to sky and your lips confess
"I give up
"The fight is over. It has never begun
"Your might overtakes me
"I am yours, gobble me up
"Ravish my nectar filled cells
"I will not object. On the contrary
"I invite your grinding indulgence"
Sweet, sweet papaya.
You are a party in my mouth and everyone is invited
My jaw muscles do not exert themselves on you
There is no need
Rather, you dissolve on your own accord
Papaya, I think I love you

I can't add anything to Robert Frost's poem - it says everything I want to say.


 11:16 PM   •   like your cut?  

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I had the best day yesterday. Not only did I get to go to church, I got to come home with me wife, eat a little lunch, take a nap until 5pm, get a few chores done, watch a movie and went to sleep at 11pm. Absolutely wonderful day. How many days do you get where you just lounge around for most of the day? We had no plans, no obligations, no deadlines, no interuptions, no burglers, nothing. It was sensational.

And you want to know what movie we watched? Little Women. And you thought I wasn't the emotional type.
 3:03 PM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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When life gives you left-overs, make tacos.
 4:44 PM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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OK, I need your impute for and experiment. Pretend that there is a drug that is legal in the USA. This drug’s effect is very temporary, let's say a max of 30 minutes. Afterwards there are no downsides, you aren't sleepy, groggy, stungout, jello-brained, hungover, nothing; you come down to the same place you took off from. This drug isn't physically addicting like an opiate.The drug is a halucanigen.

Now given this description, I would like to hear from you about why the drug would be wrong to take. Answers can be given on a practical basis, a moral basis, a Biblical basis, or another basis that I'm not thinking of.
There are certain answers that I won't accept.
1) Drugs are unhealthy for you. This is true, but so are nitrates and nobody is saying it is a sin to eat hot dogs. We do tons of unhealthy things and none of them are sins. Take the Dane for example, the guy lives off of Cactus Coolers and candy. Are we going to excommunicate him because he eats unhealthy?
2) It is sinful to use a drug to get a feeling. I won't accept this because it isn't true. The Bible condemns drunkenness but it doesn't condemn the use of alcohol for its intoxicating effects in moderation. Basically, a couple beers after a hard days work to take the edge off isn't bad, but getting plastered is. I say this is the Bible's position because it speaks of, "Wine that make merry the heart of man" (Psalm 104:15). We use coffee for it’s pleasant, drug induced state and nobody cares. Drugs are OK, just not drunkenness.
3) Drugs make you stupid or lazy or something like that. This just isn’t true. There are lots of people who make frequent use of drugs like Marijuana and live very normal lives. They work a steady job, enjoy a normal family life, keep a clean house, play with their kids, etc. Drugs don’t effect people uniformly. Unfortunately, most teenagers that experiment with drugs are the no-good-niks who would be lazy and stupid whether they were stonners or not. But there are a lot of teenagers who take a puff here and there who do well in school and sports and go on to good colleges and do well there. I’m not commending this, I just want to put that argument to rest.
4) Drugs are a form of escape and that this bad. This isn’t a good argument because we do all sorts of things to “escape” that aren’t wrong – like movies, t.v., music, massages, internet, hanging out with pals, Heroin (oh, sorry, that is wrong to do. Nevermind), going to church, whatever. We are allowed to try to escape, at least I think so and I don’t see how the Bible would disagree.

So basically, I want to hear why this pretend drug would be bad.
 10:06 AM   •  8 satisfied customers!!  

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My top five songs I never get tired of hearing (with only one song per artist) are:
1) Dogs by Pink Floyd
2) Bourree by Jethro Tull
3) China Cat Sunflower by The Greatful Dead
4) Peter Piper by Run D.M.C.
5) Subterranean Homsick Blues by Bob Dylan
I picked these quick style, but I think they are fairly accurate.
 8:47 AM   •  7 satisfied customers!!  

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Today, I was hungry. I get hungry about 3 times a day. I usually eat at these three periods. I have given each period of hunger a name, but we won't go into details. But just so you know, one is in the morning, another in the middle of the day and the third in the evening. Well, during 'Lunch' (what I call the hunger period in the middle of the day) I was lookin' for sumptin good to eat with no success. So, I took a piece of sheperders bread and put some feta cheese on it. You know what, it wasn't bad. In fact, it was almost good. So almost-good that I think I might sell the recepit to some Fasion Island trendy eatery. This sandwich is so almost-good I think I will give it a name. I'll call it a Ruben. Tommorow I will probably avoid the Ruben because I hope to eat something that is better than the almost-good sandwich.
 4:27 PM   •  7 satisfied customers!!  

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Alright all you biology buffs out there - now is your time to shine! I need you to enlighten me about diterpenes. What in the world is a diterpene? What do they do? Can we befriend them? Levy, since you know everything, I bet you will be the first one to tell me, now won't you big guy?
 4:21 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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Did I tell you we are having a family of 5 move into our little 1100 sq. foot place? Well, let me tell you, we are having a family of 5 move into our little 1100 sq. foot place. Sakes Alive! Three kids all under five, one husband, one wife, one me and one Connie. We will call the other wife Rossie and the other husband Jim, because that is their names. I tell ya, it will be . . . neat? I had a dream that when they move in Connie will sleep in the bed with the other wife and I will be with the other husband. I was very uncomfortable about sleeping in the same bed as Jim. It was weird. The covers started slipping from me and I was too nervous to pull them back on. What does this mean? Well, I went to my good friend Carl, who is a dream interpreter for the stars, and told him the whole story. He said it has to do with my insecurity as the man of the house. These new guests are threatening my dominance. He told me that the covers signify that which keeps me warm at night, i.e. my orange, yellow and brown 70's garage sale grandma room. They were slipping from me, that is, they are leaving me since I am giving up my room. He said the only way to "get the covers back on", to work within the dream paradigm, is to transform my spaypainted garage into an orange, yellow and brown 70's garage sale grandma garage. At this point in our session I started to weep. "Your right" I asserted. "Your absolutely right. I got to get up off my checks, pull on some new pants, grab a Caprisun, and get to work recreating my garage into a grandma's delight". I promptly and unhesitatingly wrote Carl a check for a hundred and fifty clams, unlocked my bike and rode home. The entire ride home I couldn't help but jump off of every curb and do really cool sliding skids whenever I came to an intersection. I finally knew what I needed to do! This is the sort of breakthrough I needed. And now, dear blog reader, you will excuse me as I start to take my lamps and nail them to the ceiling of my garage.
 11:21 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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It is funny when actors/entertainers are employed to for serious purposes -- like promoting a cause, making a moral point, supporting an organization or giving credibility to a product, ideology or party. Adding to the irony is the ease with which we accept their lobbying. Actors/entertainers are artistic whores. Don't misunderstand, their prostitution isn't immoral in any way. But they are whores in the sense that they will do whatever you want for money. Entertainers sign away their right to free and original thought. In exchange they make tons of money. This exchange makes it humorous when an entertainer is supposed to be a role model or an authority worth listening to. Behind every entertainer who makes a stand against drugs, you know that a lawsuit is the cause; for every entertainer who makes a political statement, you know there is a big fat check for them with a politician’s signature; for every entertainer who promotes some product, again, the check makes them do it. I take it as an insult. It is like a car salesman pretending he is on your side. "Back the funk off pal! Do you think I'm some pathetic fool? Well, yes, I can see that you do." A true artist creates art regardless of the money involved; an entertainer entertains for the money. This is one of the distinctions between art and entertainment. Entertainment is fine, when it is entertainment. But entertainment cannot make any intellectual or moral contribution. It can't! The origin of entertainment defuses any artistic impulses the entertainer may have. The entertainer may be able to make art, but when he is employed for entertainment we shouldn't confuse the two. An entertainer can be and will be what ever the check writer wants him to be. If the entertainer fails to live up to the check writer's expectations, the entertainer will fail in the entertainment industry. The best entertainers are the most convincing and the most willing. So when an entertainer comes on screen for his cause, he will be convincing - he is a professional after all. Remember that he is being paid and that his entire public life is as an artistic whore -- whatever he says to you is because he is getting paid to say it.

In a monarchy, the entertainers were servants of the court. As servants of the court they enjoyed a better life than the peasants did, but they were still servants. They were never employed to give their opinion on politics, religion, or morals. What a silly idea! Why would you employee the playwright, music composer, jester, actor, athlete for such an endeavor? They were not trained for such activities. Consult the professionals. Well in a democracy, the citizens make up the royal court and entertainers become our servants. We reward them with a nice life, nicer than most of ours in financial terms. Make it a capitalistic democracy, such as ours, and competition weeds out the best entertainers from the rest. Fair enough. Capitalism and democracy have given us a better entertainers than in ages past. But it still doesn’t make sense to consult entertainers about areas they have no training or experience. Well they aren’t consulted, they are used. They are used by the professionals as spokespeople to the masses, of which you and I are members. We are an uneducated bunch that are unwilling to work through most important issues. Why? Because we are too busy being entertained. So when people need votes or want you to buy their products, who better to communicate the message than those whom we are most familiar with – the entertainers. The professionals in politics, science, morality don’t consult entertainers – but entertainers are presented to us as our consultants in these matters. Funny, huh?

This is why I think we should limit who can vote. Limit voting not by color, race, sex, or financial status. Rather, voting should be limited to those who can pass a basic test on economics, politics, history, and philosophy. This test should be easy enough for anybody that has paid attention during his or her free public education. The level of our collective intelligence is revealed by the means employed to educate and persuade us. Personally, I am ashamed entertainers are employed for this end. I guarantee that if voting was limited to those who can pass a basic test, professors, successful politicians, and philosophers will be employed to educate and persuade us rather than Michael Jordan and Robin Williams.
 9:12 AM   •  17 satisfied customers!!  

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Let the coolness absorb into your vertibrate.

A little Honda Civic hatchback full of ultra-cool teenagers was trying to squeeze past a minivan into the lefthand turn lane. He couldn't quite do it, but he kept trying until he stalled. Funny. While I am watching them restart their car I hear my wife say, "should I do this" and she made an 'L' out of her thumb and index finger and puts it on her forehead in honor of the cool kids. Do I need to say it? Yes, I do have the coolest wife.

"You go this way! You go that way! I'm going to walk in a circle right here." What movie is this from? You have until Holloween to give me an answer.
 5:00 PM   •  1 satisfied customer!  

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It is my wife's birthday this Saturday. She will be 25! "That is 1/8th of a bicentennial" I try to tell her, but it just lands on deaf ears. For some reason that doesn't mean much to her. Well, if she was anything more than a babe in 1976 she would know that a bicentennial is quite significant; after all, we did make a bicentennial commemorative quarter to commemorate the milestone. I would like to make a commemorative coin for my wife’s birthday that celebrates the fact that she has hit the 1/8th of a bicentennial milestone. Let's bring the hay penny back. I haven't seen those in years. I used to love those little fellas. Me and Jimmy Pinkalwater used to take chickpea cans full of hay pennies and strap them on to our, . . . oh, never mind, you won't be interested in the story of how we convinced Lionel Ritchy to start writing music.

But I will tell you the story of how I had a paper route for three years. Well, a long time ago on a distant street in Tustin, I had a paper route for three years. And that was the only time I ever had a paper route. The other only time I had a paper route was when I was in Orange. I think that lasted a week. I kept on forgetting to do it. Boy, some stories don't age, do they?!?

Fine wine, good cheese and great stories all have this in common: they are all in this sentence.

True or false: This sentence is false. Chew on that for a while and tell me what you come out with. If I have to explain it to you then, well then I, . . . I will . . .help you??? Hmm, why was that so difficult? I think it was because I was going to say something like, "I will ravage you with my creul jesting" but then, mid-sentence I thought to myself, "self, that is awfully cruel. Just because some poor sap out there can't understand your silly sentence game doesn't mean he is worthy of your wrath." So I tried to restrain myself. As a result I had a sputtering sentence. Why didn't I just erase it and make a clean start? Why do you ask so many questions? Some things shouldn't be explained. Some things can't be explained. The answer to this question falls somewhere in between these two cities.
 12:45 AM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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When is the last time you used glue (besides to drown your sorrows)? I can't remember the last time I actually used glue to fix something. Has glue ever fixed anything? The only thing I ever have glued was little school craft projects. Is that what glue was created for? Seems like a perfectly good waste of horses just for some Joanne Fabric craftsie type doings. This smells like the work of the Girl Scouts. What did the horses do to piss the Girl Scouts off? I would like to get to the bottom of this. I have lost a lot of good horse friends because of the insatiable demand Creative Memories moms have for this essence of horse. Essence of horse? Perfume? Vapors? Glue? Creative Memories? Moms? Girls Scouts? Are you putting the pieces together the same way I am? It seems to me that the Girl Scouts use this horse perfume to aid in the brain washing of American mothers. The glue scent dumbs the maternal instincts that would normally prevent a mother from supporting a daughter’s participation in an evil organization. Embedded in the Creative Memories lessons are sly brain washing messages (similar to the sort used by other evil organizations like the Third Reich, Viet Cong, and Microsoft) that program mothers around the nation to volunteer their daughters toward the Girl Scout cause. Dang it? Why are we fighting abroad when the enemy is right in front of our face? Don't tell me. Are you saying the White House is backing the Girl Scouts? It started in the Carter administration?!? Crap! And now there is nothing we can do about it. What really bothers me is, why the horses? They seem so innocent. That is probably it - they 'SEEM' innocent. I think I will need to delve a little deeper into the relation between the horses and the Girl Scouts.
 9:25 AM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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I heard of this new machine that you put over your eyes and ears and it is supposed to put you in a dream-like state. The machine sends light and sound waves into your soul (or head). Some guy is trying to sell them on the web. It sounds like an technological drug. I wonder if it works???
 4:28 PM   •  6 satisfied customers!!  

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I have found my hero artist of the 21st century. His name is Mark Ryden. I'm sure he is famous and all and I have just proved how out of touch I am with popular culture; but it is new for me. I particularly enjoy his meat fetish. I think we all can appreciate someone with a heathly sense of oneness with meat. I'm not sure if he is pro or con on the meat issue, but that is of no concesquense. He has a lot of meat in his pictures and that is enough to make me laugh. All his pictures make you laugh in a twisted Tim Burton sort of way. Ryden's art is much more demented than Burton's, demented enough to give a little child hellish nightmares about meat carving bunies and pumpkin presidents. I wish Connie was into twisted stuff too, because then she would let me buy one of his prints and hang it in out living room. I am particularly fond of 'Meat Magi', it really strikes a cord with me. Make some time today to visit www.markryden.com, you won't be sorry. In fact, you will probably thank me, and I will welcome you and we will be even better friends than we are now. That is what art is all about anyways, isn't it???
 11:12 AM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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So, what's new? Well, I just took the Cbest this last Saturday. I'm gonna start substitute teaching soon. Hip-hip horray!!!

We are having a garage sales this week end, so be sure to come by for some great deals. I would give you my address, but I wouldn't want some deranged Internet zombie to start stalking me. You just might be that IZ for all I know. We'll be selling all sorts of goodies. I got these six green swivel chairs that came straight out of 'The Wonder Years' era. They are sweet. I got them for playing poker. But now that we are going to have long-term house guests there won't be room for these beauties. They are a real sweet. So if you are into funny looking grandma type furniture, my place is where you need to be on Sat. morning. I'll make you some coffee and maybe go halfsies with you on a bagel. Maybe.

I got a new book in the mail: 'The Eschatology of the Old Testament' by Geerhardus Vos. I'd link the page for you, but I don't know how to do that. I haven't read it yet, but it looks like a gem. Vos, as you know, has been dead for quite some time. James Dennison took the newly discovered lecture notes from a class Vos taught at Princeton a hundred or so years ago. He complied them with a few other tid-bits that were discovered (like a students notes, an incomplete typescript, a syllabus and some other manuscripts) and created this book. So the book isn't actually written by Vos, but by J. Dennison. I am excited to read through it. It is fairly small at about 150 pages. I would love to read it with other people at the same time so’s we cans discuss. Interested?
 8:36 PM   •   like your cut?  

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You should visit www.kerux.com You should also subscribe to the journal. Great stuff. Cheep too.
 2:55 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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I'm still here.
 2:54 AM   •  1 satisfied customer!  

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You want to hear something funny? Well I keep checking my blog to see if anybody read it. Who is going to read my blog at 2:45 am on a Thursday morning? Well, I was reading other peoples blogs so maybe there is someone out there who just happens to be reading my blog. If you are there send me a signal and I respond. Use the code word 'swordfish' and I'll know you are in the know.
 2:46 AM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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Well, it is a late night thanks to the coffee I so foolishly drank. What was I thinking? As a result of the drug I came to the realization that I am starting to grow a healthy head of hair on my back. This is the last thing I was asking for. I guess growing hair in unwanted places is better than losing hair in wanted places, no? I'm 25 and I am yet to find any signs of a receeding hair line. For this I am thankful. Instead of losing hair, I seem to suffer from excessive hair. Connie is always on my case about nose hairs - inside and on top. Every chance she gets she plucks um with tweezers or her finger nails. Odd enough, I enjoy the pain. You know if feels good when a little tear wells up.

When and if I get to sleep I am going to dream of a smooth hairless back and an attractively teztured nose - inside and out. I will also dream of the ability to spell correctly. This is a serious problem for me. Since I am planning on teaching English at a JC I will have to start with teaching basic composition. I can't even spell! How am I supposed to teach? Well, that is going to be my big challenge before I acctually start the grad program. But I am a wiz at the spell check. I know, I can pretend to spell stuff incorectly as an excuss to teach people on how to use the spell checker. Dang it John, you are one smart dude!


 2:42 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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So I think it is just about the rite time for anothe blog. If it is a litte premature, let it sit a while before you read it.

You know what happened today? Well, I finnally submitted my application for Cal State Fullerton. Yep, I is gonna' be an English Graduate student. This means I got a big day a head of me tommorow. I will need to make sure I get enough turtlenecks and cartigan sweaters - you can't be a good grad student without the snobby duds. Then I will need to make sure I practice peering down my nose at the flim-flam that liters our sidewalks. I will also need a leather bound Trapper Keeper so I can take notes in a sophisticated manner. Maybe I should look into purchasing a Carmengia???

I am going to be taking the CBEST test on Saturday. After I get the results from this test I can start substitute teaching. Won't that be a gas! This will just be a temporary job until I start school in January.

Did you know that we are having an entire family move in with us for about six months? What a trip! What will we do? Well, we will be taking a lot of vacations, that's for sure. Good think I got a shell on my truck. I just hope Connie can handle it.

Let me know if you have any California Pants -- I got an idea.


 1:34 AM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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I just erased a bunch of stuff I just wrote about what sort of yard work I have been doing. I realized that stump grinding and trench digging isn’t entertaining. In fact, I am realizing that much of my life doesn't make entertaining stories. In contrast to my boring life, fabulous tales can be told about my wife Connie. Few people know this, but she is truly funny. In silly dances, she surpasses myself; in funny faces, she out performs me; in puns, she is a match for Rob Gennin (a note about puns: the only humor in puns is in the person telling the puns. One usually laughs at the person or wants to hit the pun teller. When Connie makes a pun I usually laugh at and hit her, with a loving punch of course); in cruel jesting at others expense, Connie is superb. Connie's instinctive actions are also humorous, though she is generally unaware of it. For example, to solve our cat problem (the people who previously lived in our house moved without their cat. Now the abandoned feline lingers around our house and terds all over our yard -- truly a pest) she throws rocks at the cat and chases it with her arms out stretched like the abominable snow man. I find this humorous because you look at her and you think she is this sweet, innocent, fragile flower of a person. The next thing you know she is running out the door, chucking stones at cats and yelling like a longshoreman. She is full of surprises like that. Who would have known that she can fart like a Russian lumberjack? Would you ever suspect that she is brave? Bravery can hardly describe her. Do you know many people who would pass gas in a bookstore while sitting in an aisle reading a book without even running over to the other side of the store? The whole aisle stank and she could care less. The court of Camelot could not boast of such stoutheartedness. Cunning, she is cunning. While treating her scrambled kids in the clinic, she doesn't hesitate to blame her farts on the mixed-up children that are still trying to tie their shoes at age 11 --who is more likely to fart in public, a sophisticated Occupational Therapist or a seven year-old who thinks he is living in a video game? You got to hand it to her, she is sly. I could go on, but time doesn't permit me to mention everything here. Hopefully I gave you a quick sketch of the true Connie. There is more to her than meets the eye and it is my goal to let the world see the true Connie, because the true Connie is even more lovable and enjoyable than the Connie everybody thinks they know.

In future blogs I hope to tell you more about my wonderful Connie. I want you to know about her dreams (like the time she caught a bad midget on the balcony), her zany kids (like the littler girl that likes to hit babies), her silly deeds (just this morning, when I tried to wake her up, she said, "let me hit the snooze button just once" and she pressed my nose), and her innovative speech (phrases like, "I just burped up some wheatgrass and it tasted good"). She will probably yell at me for telling you about her healthy flatulence, but I can't keep that sort of stuff a secret. It is too touching.
 12:14 PM   •  3 satisfied customers!!