The Audio Stylings of Chris Levens
"I'm a Gangster"

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We are all comfortable with the fact that corporations pay to advertise through movies. Big Whoop!

But what if corporations MADE movies just to advertise!!! That's right, you heard it here first. I think that corporations get together and create movies just to advertise their products. Take the movie "You Got Mail" for example. I think Starbucks and Apple are the two main producers of the flick. This is how I see it working: In a board room somewhere, the fat cats of Starbucks and Apple say, "We need to promote our products. The best way to do this is to portray a certain lifestyle, that of our target audience, and show them using our products. Target audience: upper middle class, middle aged professionals. Who are some popular actors that fit this description and appeal to this class? Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. OK, let's get some traditional romantic/comedy plot, you know, one that has been used a million times and sort of appeals to both men and women, put it in a not-so-new setting, like New York, and have these two funny lover birds make frequent use of our products. No, they will do more than use our products, their life will be defined by these products. Perfect. We're gonna be millionaires boys!"

This is how I see these sort of movies. They are more like gigantic, entertaining advertisements than movies. And why not. Not only will they make more money on their products, they will also make money on the movie. The genius who thought of this just transformed advertising from being an expense to being a profit generator. And if this isn't the way they do things now a days, well they should and I should get credit for thinking of it.


 10:19 PM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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I have three things to say today:

1) The anti-mall is so very mall
2) All Martha Stewart publications should be sub-titled with some form of the phrase, "How to be anal retentive _______ (for the holidays, in the fall, in the garden, in the kitchen, with technology, etc., etc.)"*
3) The more horsepower you have the less stress you have.

*Anal retention is not necessarily a bad thing. My wife gets "Living - the Martha Stewart magazine". We just got the special "technology" issue where wealthy technological companies sponsored this gigantic advertisement disguised as a magazine in their attempts to alter the geeky personality of technology. In this issue we all learn how to make our technology an addition to our collection of good ideas**. One of the anal retentive ideas MS (Martha Stewart, not Microsoft) gives us is to label our many plugs in our multiple outlet power supply/surge protector. This may be a good idea. Regardless of the idea's merits, it is anal retentive.

**Isn't that what Martha Stewart is all about? If you follow her teachings*** you will have a house/office/garden full of "good ideas". When friends come over they will say, "What a good idea Cindy. I never would have thought of that. You are so smart. I'm going to do that too." This is a fundamental goal of anal retention.****

***I forgot what I wanted to say about this.

****This is why women are dominating the office workplace. Women are by nature way more anal retentive than men; there are some anal retentive men, but women have the upper hand in this struggle. Office work is all about organization - organizing others, organizing projects, events, programs, rules, regulations, lunch plans, meetings, etc, etc. Women have a flair for this stuff that most men don't. At least this is how I see it. So men, when a woman has an organizational idea, you may want to listen.***** I know this is a generalization and that we can all name multiple contrary examples. But generalizations aren't hard and fast characteristics, they are just generalizations - like men are generally larger than women, not always, just generally.

*****My wife is an exception to this rule. I have the superior organizing powers in this family. My wife has the extraordinary cleaning powers. Between the two of us we make a good team. Unfortunately I don't spend enough time organizing. As a result our cupboards and shelves are haphazardly arranged. You see, my wife makes sure everything you see when you first walk in is clean. If you open her draws or closet, it's a zoo. I'm the opposite. I have clothes on the ground and papers on my desk, but my closet is arranged, everything in my draws has a prearranged place, my shelves are arranged in some generally accepted order, even the hairs on my head are in rows and columns.
 9:14 PM   •  9 satisfied customers!!  

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Pre-script: Anyone with a strong understanding of Marx is encouraged to correct this post.

Communism is closer to Capitalism than we are usually accustomed. Usually Communism is considered left of Socialism. The attempt to impose “Communism” via the strong central powers of the USSR and China is responsible for this popular opinion. Would Marx call the Red Governments of these nations Communism? First off, a nation must be impressively industrialized before it can become communistic; by impressively industrialized I mean the nation’s production capabilities must be so advanced that they eliminate the scarcity of goods. To date, no nation has achieved this status; there are still ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots’ in every country. China and the USSR were not impressively industrialized when they attempted to become Communist. Secondly, the Communist state has no need of government. Marx perceived that all conflicts and injustices were the result of the scarcity of goods; when there isn’t enough to go around humans fight for their share. This unfortunate situation brings in the need for a government that will protect its citizens from the conflicts and injustices that arise from this scarcity of goods. But this government is only temporary. A day will come when industrialization will create enough of everything to satisfy everybody’s wants and needs. This wonderful state of life will put an end to all conflicts and injustices. Consequently, there will no longer be a need for government. This will be the Communist State. When the USSR and China enforce “Communism” from an extremely strong centralized government they are revealing their opposition to the Communistic ideals of Marx; strong centralized government and Communism are polar opposites. Unfortunately popular public opinion has been shaped by the screwed up bureaucracies that spread terror into the hearts of millions.

How is Communism the companion of Capitalism? Well, the Communistic state is a Capitalistic state with a high-powered industrialized machine that eliminates the minimal police action that the strictest Libertarian admits is still necessary. I find this an interesting way of putting it. I also enjoy phrasing it like this to take 'liberals' by supprise and claim thier most radical thinker for the capitalistic cause.

Basically, Marx was a dreamer whose writing should belong in the fiction section next to Issic Azomaov (or how ever you spell his name). Marx envisioned a world that was not beset by limited resources – a fact we are all too familiar with. Marx envisioned a paradise where we all just get along because we are all content. Marx believed in the basic goodness of the human race – something all believers in the Bible know isn’t the case. I think if you remove the far-fetched fantasy of an industrial solution to all man’s problems you end up with Capitalism as the best form of government, at least from a Marxist perspective.


 7:21 PM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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I pleaad aligment to flanks
Of the untitled snakes of a mery cow
And to the Republicans
For with they scam
One nacho, underpants
With licorice and jugs of wine for owls.


 9:12 AM   •  6 satisfied customers!!  

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My totaled Nissan pick-up truck was towed to my house today. I ripped the stereo and speakers out. My totaled Nissan pick-up truck was towed away from my house today. In return I got $100. SLICK!

Just so you know what kind of business mastermind I am, I made money on my truck. I bought a 1990 Nissan truck for $2500. After driving it for 4 years I get into an accident that isn't my fault. The insurance company pays me $3350 for the truck. How about that! How often do you make money on a car after driving it for several years? Well only if you are a business mastermind can you make money in the dangerous world of used cars. And I, my friends, am a business mastermind. That is why I quit working at Ingram Micro in the Marketing department - I was too good. The company wanted to set up one of those non-competition agreements with me. You know what those are, right? They pay me around 150K every year just so I don't get involved in the business of their competitors. Needless to say, I refused the offer. Such a donut as that will make me soft - I'll end up losing my edge. So instead I figured I would enter into the most difficult market for amassing a fortune - public education. As Frank Sinatra said, "If I can do it there, I can do it anywhere" speaking of public education. In case you don't know, New York is the code word for the public education system. And as you all can see I am already starting to pile up the samoleans. It just took me four years and a life threatening accident for me to earn a cool $800 bucks. Not bad, huh? Next time you see me I will no longer be drinking wine out of a box. No way Jose! Give me a few years and I will only be dining on the $3.99 Magnums of the super fine "rose table wine", aged in Cincinnati. Like most of the upper class, I prefer a '99 Cincinnati over and '00 Cincinnati and any year of that putrid Detroit table wine.
 5:02 PM   •   like your cut?  

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So I'm swimming in this huge ocean. Actually, I'm not swimming, I treading water in one place in this gigantic sea. I am made for swimming, but even a fine swimmer like myself needs rest from time to time. Now is one of those times. Unfortunately there isn't anything solid that I can rest upon in this huge ocean. I know that beyond the horizon, beyond the endless sea there is a land, rest and restoration. My choices: tread water and certainly die or attempt to swim towards the unseen shores. Needless to say I head for the shores. As I am half a mile or so from the area I was treading water in I notice the tide change and a small sandbar appear where I originally was located. Puzzling over the mysteriously emerging land I remain motionless. Before I digest the recent happenings the tide shifts again and swallows up the sandbar. When I was in that location I didn't notice any land beneath my feet and certainly couldn't plant my feet on the ground and keep my head above water. A new dilemma faces me: Continue swimming towards the unseen land beyond the horizon or head back to the area where the sandbar appeared. It is uncertain that I will have the energy to make it to the land beyond the horizon, but at least I know it will be there. If I head back to my original spot where the sandbar appeared I may be able to rest as the tide changes. Who knows, there may be prolonged periods when this solid ground appears. The appearing land will enable me to recoup my energy and perhaps have a better shot at making a successful journey to permanent dry ground. On the other hand, this uncertain island may not supply me much rest at all; for all I know the emergence I witnessed may be the best it can offer. I don't have much time to think about it either, because every second I spend thinking I am wasting valuable energy. I'm frozen with the decision and want to call a time-out. Violently my mind smacks me with the gravity of my situation - there is no time out. The consequences of a bad decision will not be reversed and no second chances will be offered. And looming over my head is the very real possibility that there are no successful decisions in this situation; this may be an unbeatable game. Oh, for the luxury of time to think!
 7:19 PM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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Do you ever give money to the solicitors out side of grocery and department stores? I don't. I don't think you should either. Let me enlighten you to the platform I will use to become the governor of California.

Let’s set aside the question of the legitimacy of the “charity” organization’s that support the solicitors. Instead, focus with me on my great plan for those generous people who volunteer their time standing outside our grocery stores with buckets saying, "god bless you. Can you spare a dime for the ______ (fill in blank with: orphans, homeless, single moms, disaster relief, drug addicts)." How much do you think they can earn in an hour? Maybe on a good hour they get $5. I have never seen anyone give them any money and I have never seen much money in the bucket, so I think $5 an hour is a fair estimate - at least on an average; personally, I think the booty is much lower, but will grant $5 an hour for arguments sake. If these generous solicitors would volunteer the same amount of time pushing shopping carts, bussing tables, dusting library shelves, or flipping burgers, they would bring in at least $7 an hour. Not only would this bring in more money for the victims in need, it also removes the hassle and harassment of being begged for money every time you walk out of a store. Plus their labors contribute to society. The loving volunteers don't spend any more time than they would begging and they bring in more money. Brilliant! Yes, brilliant! Why don't these organizations do this now? Good question. Brings me back to the shelved question about the questionable origin of the "charity" organizations. They are most likely a puppet organization of Microsoft’s evil empire.
 12:34 PM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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My hide is chapped.

You know what really chaps my hide? The political labels "conservative" and "liberal" - they are such misnomers! What is a liberal? Is a liberal always in favor of big government, pro-choice, and heavy taxes? Are conservatives always in favor of limited government, the right to bear arms and the voucher system? In the 18th century the "liberals" would resemble the conservatives today; they wanted government whittled down to a basic police function and the liberty for citizens to pursue happiness how ever they desired. They were liberals because this was a change from the status quo. Once capitalism was the status quo, socialistic/communistic ideologies became "liberal" because it sought a change from traditional government. Well in our day we have a quasi-socialistic government, abortion is legal and we are involved in all sorts of world affairs. Someone who is in favor of these platforms shouldn't be called "liberal" but "conservative" because they want to maintain the status quo. But the right-winger who is pro-life, wants to reduce taxes and government intervention in our everyday life, and wants competition in the school system is "liberal" and not "conservative". But then the lefty is liberal on some issues and the righty is conservative on others. The labels don't do justice to the positions. I know a guy who calls himself a libertarian (not the Dane) who thinks the party is extremely "liberal" in the left wing sense of the word! What a fool! You don't get any righter than the Libertarians! He joined the party because he is 'radically' liberal, or so he thinks. And I remember young people who wouldn't want to be "conservative" because of all the stuffy connotations of the label. Give me a break. Let's just call political parties Socialists, Capitalists, and the Blends.

And another thing that chaps my hide: people who hate racism and love equal rights who are democrats. How can you believe in equal rights and be a democrat? The democratic party is the most racist party we have to choose from. If I was going to play you a game of chess and I said, "hmm, looks like I will need to remove my queen if this is going to be a fair game", would you say that I thought we were equals? That's right, I think I'm superior to you because if we were to play on equal footing I think I would whoop the pants off of you. So when the democratic party gives aid to racial minorities, they are saying, "since you aren't white, you are at an inherent disadvantage. You can't compete with the white man - we will whoop your pants off. So we will give you this handicap so that it will be a fair fight". I don't know about you, but I am offended by this policy. A truly equal government would treat each person equally, right? If we really think that race shouldn't be an issue (and I don't) then the government should start ignoring a man's race, not highlighting it. Ironically, supposed anti-racists make the biggest deal about peoples race.

And another thing that chaps my hide: People who are anti-government, or suspicious of government, or against big business who are democrats. Makes me wonder if they even understand their own party. But for some reason people are under the impression that the Democrats are more in line with their anti-establishment thinking. I blame it all on MTV.

Mr. Dane, do you think this crazy brain washing is the mark of the Girl Scouts?
 10:03 AM   •  9 satisfied customers!!  

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A Hobo (or to use the PC word - bum or wine-o) gave this very important essay to my friend. I will transcribe it in its entirety. All the spelling variations and punctuation inventions are the bum's art and not my own.

(Variously titled:) D.C. ":Declaral Constatal" (Excerpted) (Continued) by Christopher Richard Edwards (a.k.a.): David Paul Neves-Talbet (etc..)

Absolute patent effectual invalidity of any authority of any individual agency, or organization of arbitrament; in owbudsmanship; by any disgrace or shame in irresponsibility; by any cowardice, or withholding of the holiest civil respect for due just proper grace of consideration of all inherent inalienablity of inately incontravertable (ity) (of) immuntabbillitty of conscience; in all peace.
CRE. c/o 793-c Laguna Canyon Road/ Laguna Beach, CA 92692 / (949) 497-7121

I have been wanting to turn this into a song.
 1:16 PM   •  6 satisfied customers!!  

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Bottom five entertainers, in no particular order.

1) Julia Roberts
2) Robin Williams
3) Billy Crystal
4) Tom Hanks
5) Meg Ryan

For some reason, I just don't like these people. Sometimes, when I'm half a sleep or sippin on a brew, I might enjoy one of their flicks. Like I sort of enjoyed Big and Splash, and I did enjoy Public Ryan, despite the fact that Tommy was in it. I also enjoyed Mork and Mindy and liked Robby until he did Good Morning Vietnam, than I couldn't stand the guy.

Just thought you would like to know.
 2:50 PM   •  9 satisfied customers!!  

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I'm exceedingly happy today. I got me a new ride. A 1967 Chevrolet Chevelle, to be exact. She is super purty. Completely rebuilt. The engine has less than 1000 miles on it; tranie has 3000 miles on it; brand new interior, steering, suspension, tires, rims, front disc brake kit - a real gem. Yippee!!!!!!
 10:09 PM   •  9 satisfied customers!!  

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I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend. Wedding.

Have you noticed that professional editors allow for single word sentences. What ever happened to subject and predicate? Well I guess either the subject or predicate is being elided in a single word sentence. Like my sentence - Wedding. The reader supplied the subject: 'it' or 'I' and the action verb: 'is' or 'going'. So when I write "Wedding" you understand that I am saying either, "I am going to a wedding" or "it is a wedding". At least this is my take on this new development in the English language.
 9:37 PM   •  10 satisfied customers!!