The Audio Stylings of Chris Levens
"I'm a Gangster"

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Thongs are addicting.

I'm not even going to qualify this statement. A lesser mind would add, "And no, I don't mean the underwear. I mean the flip-flop. Get your mind out of the gutter." But I, the better than lesser mind, am not going to qualify anything. I'm am just going to speak my peace about the splendidness of thongs.

Oh thongs, you are dandy.
On weekends you make smile.
When I'm using you, I am a righteous dude.
Longer than a little, I will wear you for a while.
I like you 'cause you keep my feet from being sandy.

I hope you all appreciate the chiastic rhyme structure. I know I do.
 5:46 PM   •  2 satisfied customers!!  

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Peach fibers stuck in-between teeth --public enemy number 1.
Mango fibers stuck in-between teeth --public enemy number 2.
Pea under matress --public enemy number 3.
Public enemies number 4-10 aren't worth mentioning.
Broken temporary crown --public enemy number 11.
Carpet than makes your bare back itchy --public enemy number 12.
Public enemies that hide in bushes --public enemy number 13.
Public enemies 14 and 15 are the same and we all know what they are, so I won't waste your time with naming them.

Lists of public enemies --public friend number 1.
Those who create said lists --public friend number 2.
Those who like those who create said lists --public friend number 3
Those who stifle the voice of those who dislike those who create said lists --public friend number 4.
Public friends 5 - 14 aren't worth mentioning.
Round-up weed killer --public friend number 15.

 8:35 PM   •  7 satisfied customers!!  

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 5:08 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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What is the difference between an Elephant fart and a tavern?

One is a bar room . . .

The other is a BAR-ROOM!!!


If you think that is funny than you are alright.
 5:07 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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Do you ever think your better than other people? I do. I know you do. Here is the kicker: the people you think you are better than think that they are better than you. How does that make you feel? You see someone, you don't like the way they look/act, you put them down in your mind. I bet when they saw you they did a similar thing to you. I think this is the American way. We all think we are above average. Who really thinks that they are below par? Sure, we can all isolate some area or another in our lives that we will admit that we suck. But on the whole we would all asert our superiority as a person over the vast majority of people. We like ourselves.

Hey, I can say we are like this because I am like this. And if I am like this, we are all like this. Everyone is like me. If there is something wrong with me it is a universal problem and not just isolated in me. How can there be something true about me that is not true about everyone else? Can't be. I know this because . . . well, I just know. And you know it too.
 10:12 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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You begin to read this with some sort of expectation.
Your expectation is not being met.
Is this enough to make you turn around?
It hasn't.
But now the presure is on me to satisfy you in some way so that this trip wasn't a waste of time. The longer it takes, the closer to failure I get.
At this point, you are getting the feeling that I am failing. To continue to read is now optional. It will take something real snappy and shinny to keep you any longer.
Then it busts out!
It got you!
You have been pleased.
Now you leave because the show is over, not because you didn't like the show.
 12:15 AM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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Enjoy this movie: Man of the Century.

How do you know that you can trust my taste? Well, let me tell you something. This isn't the best movie ever made so don't mistake my recomendation with my tastes. But it was enjoyable. In fact, I plan on watching it again. Not because it was real profound or complicated. It was just plain old enjoyable, funny, mockish (which is always important) and slightly thought provoking.
 12:11 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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I didn't have a dream last night. This disturbed me. Being disturbed by this also disturbs me. I'm disturbed about being disturbed because I often sleep without dreams without being disturbed about slumber sans dreams.

What could it be?

I asked my friend Ryan who interprets dreams for the Hollywood stars. He gave me the finger. He flipped me the bird without saying a word. After about six minutes of me standing there staring silently at his middle finger, I left. That was the hardest $200 check I ever wrote. I handed it to Clair the receptionist and asked, "What gives?"
Before she was able to answer Chuck Norris stoms in all triumphant-style and yells, "It worked, by George, it worked!" Ryan's door shut and I could only hear muffled giddiness.


 8:35 PM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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We can't all be special. If that were the case than special would just mean normal. But we have a perfectly good word for normal. The perfectly good word is 'normal'. Why would we want another word when 'normal' is so efficient at denoting something as normal? I think we should keep the word 'special' to mean something better than normal, something that stands out. This will make me happy.

In a similar vein, we can't all be leaders. Leading implies others following. If we all lead, none follow. If none follow, none lead and we all just wander. Now I can accept the idea that we all can be wanderers. But that doesn't say much, now does it?
 12:15 PM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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When I was a Substitue teacher, by Johnny T.

They ordered pizza, had a rubber band fight, lied about their names, switched seats all day long, snuck out of class and were plain old rude. I ran out of the class with my sweater covering my face so as to hide my tears from the kids. I ran to the swing set in the far field and wept. A few hours after school was over, the principle found me out there. He came over and sat on the swing next to me. After a few minutes of silence, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Johnny, it's alright. It happens to the best of us. Keep your chin up, tiger."
With that I went in there the next day and taught. I taught like I never taught before. I had them-- they were eating out of my hand. They were laughing, crying, full of fear and hope, experiencing defeat and victory. We all left shcool that day better people. Believe it or not, some of my best friends today came out of those kids from English 382 at Filmore High.

And now, an extra special weekend bonus-- a poem by me, Johnny T.

And then
For sure
We do
Me too
I am
What's this?
Free lamp
Sweat Bliss.


 10:17 AM   •  10 satisfied customers!!  

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Deep down inside we all desire to be a hammerhead mailbox.

 10:07 AM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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Coolness is the currency of highschool. The older you get, the less value coolness has. Highschoolers can't understand this because they are immersed in coolness. Older people have a hard time accepting it at first -like I did. But then it just starts to fade. You also start to realize that the more you try to be cool, the less you are. When you try to stay cool as you get older, you get dumber, faster. Does that make sense? I hope so, because it is true. The further away from highschool you get the more distant coolness you get. The more distant you are, the harder it is to be cool. The coolest thing to do is just to accept being un-cool. Your not cool, but your not super lame --your just an old guy. Old guys lose all identity in the highschool mind-- they are just old guys.

At least this is the perspective of one 27 year old guy.
 9:58 AM   •  9 satisfied customers!!  

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The forces that govern trends, by Johnny T.
Here is my current understanding of the forces that govern trends.
1) Rejection. This force swings back and forth. On the one hand it rejects the old and looks for something new. Then, when what was once new becomes old and the theory that the old is bad and the new is good becomes old, then rejection swings and rejects the new and looks for something old. The cycle repeats itself. This is why old fads come back in and then fade and then back in, etc.The bell bottums of the 70s were a joke in the 80s and then bacame kind of cool in the 90s and now. The 80s prints of women's clothing became a joke in the 90s and now are sort of cool, as is evidenced by stores like Forever 21.
2) Mockery. This force is linked with force #1 but has a different slant. It seeks to mock those who think they are cool. Only the really, really cool (like myself) can introduce mockery and make it work (Ok, I haven't made it work. But I'm trying). This force is the real insight into trends. Listen up. This happens when one generation has been codified enough for the next generation to generalize about it enough so that the younger generation can mock the older. They mock the older generation by rejection what they approve and approving what they reject. Take furniture, for example. Our parents rejected the 50's style (the style of their parents) for one of several different modern styles (modern in the 1980s). These stylers were either a neo-art deco, pastel and palm trees (that is what I call it), or country. Now the new generation is rejecting all three of these styles and adopting Shaby Chic, Gypsy Chic or resurecting a sort of 50's style. This is ruff, but I think there is something to it.
Now, the next generation will mock what is cool now. Soon, Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel will be passe. Believe it.
The key to capitalizing on trends is to stock up on currently unfastionable styles. When they come back in style, you can sell them at a premium. Now go buy pastel and palm tree stuff.

Catalyst of fads.
When one fad becomes widely accepted, it becomes lame. When it becomes lame, the really fashionable reject it. Take peddal pushers, for example. It is a rejection of the rejection of them. They were the style of our grandparents, our parents rejected them, now we bring them back (I wish we didn't though). When they first started becoming popular again, say in the late 1990s, they were just hip among the fasionable. 50 year old mothers who don't have time to follow fashions weren't wearing them. But they grew in popularity. Now everybody wears them, even 50 year old mothers. Now, when they saturate the world, the trully hip can't wear them--they are too common. Plus, when unattractive people start to wear something, it sort of diminishes the style. This is not to offend anyone. I just think it is true. So the fashion models need to find something else to wear otherwise they risk looking common.

 9:29 AM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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Do you ever feel like turning into spegetti? For some reason, I feel like it today. I would like all the spagetti that I will turn into to fly away from me centrifugally. I would like there to be a background of an orange and yellow sun with a blue sky that fades to white. Yes, I would like it to look like a cartoon. A blast of music should acompany the event. I would prefer everyone's memory to be erased after the show.

And It's a girl. We are going to call her Gwendolyn --maybe. That or Beatrice.
 11:26 AM   •  14 satisfied customers!!  

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Well, your in for a treat. No, this is not the tattoo lady. This is My pregnant wife. I thought you should all see my future child and his mother who is simultaneously my wife. Notice the Greatful Dead LP I strategically placed in the back ground for your viewing pleasure. I just got it this week and so I'm still a little giddy.

I heard my little baby crunching numbers in the belly last night. He's going to be an accountant. He is.

We find out on Friday if he is going to be a boy or a girl. If he is a girl I will stop calling him a he and start calling him a she. But we have one more day of blind opptimisum.

She is just half way done so she isn't sticking out huge-style yet. But you can still see the pooch.

Without any further ado (?), here is my little pumkin.

 8:48 AM   •  8 satisfied customers!!  

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And I saw her again. Yes, that's right, the tattoo lady*. But seeing her is no big deal --I see her all the time. The big deal is today she didn't have a hat! I don't know weather to feel bad for her or to think she is just strange or to think she is strong and just making the best of a bad situation.

So now I'm trying to figure out what is going on. Did the wind take it while she was already out today? Did some kids pull it off while riding past her on their bikes? Did she forget? Is this a new step in her life? First the hat, then the gloves and the long sleved sweatshirt (which must get uncomfortable in August). I just don't know.

* The tattoo lady is this lady who had her entire body tattooed, crown to toes. Now she regrets it. She covers her whole body with clothes and any part of her body that can't be covered by clothes, like her face, she coveres with this thick green pastie gunk. She usually has this very large brimmed hat so her face is mostly hidden. She walks the streets everyday in the same garb. She ignores everything that goes on around her and will walk in front of your car while you are driving. I learned this first hand.
 9:04 AM   •  8 satisfied customers!!  

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Put down your olive loaf.

I enjoy a bowl movement that sort hurts in a good way. Are you tracking? I mean, I like it when you poo and it sort of scratches your itch.

Am I alone in this?
 10:24 AM   •  8 satisfied customers!!