The Audio Stylings of Chris Levens
"I'm a Gangster"

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You can't really look at something from someone else's perspective. Yes, I know you have been told you can. And people often request or encourage you to do so. But it is time you knew the truth: you can't.
Oh, you don't belive me, huh? Well let me prove it to you real simple like.

When you try to look at something from someone else's perspective, all you are really doing is imagining what their perspective looks like. An imagry of someone's perspective and their perspective are two different things. You can only have an image of their perspective; this image is your perspective of their perspective, not their perspective. Realize this: it is your perspective. You are looking at their perspective from your perspective. You see, when they look at something, they look at it from their perspective, not your perspective of what you imagine their perspective would look like, which is the best you can do. Unfortunatley you are stuck looking at things from your perspective because of the simple fact that you are you. You can't not be you. If you weren't you than you wouldn't be you. Yes, this is tautalogical but who is to say tautologies can't inform?

You are you and therefore only see things from your perspective. In order to see something from someone else's perspective you would have to become someone else. In doing this you would no longer be you but someone else. As a result, you wouldn't be looking at it from someone else's perspective because you aren't you, your someone else. If you were you than the best you could do was to look at it from your perspective of someone else's perspective. I'm beginning to repeat.

Now, I will say it can be helpful to imagine what someone's perspective looks like. In fact, is can really change your perspective. Just keep in mind that this is your perspective of their perspective and not acctually their perspective. Only they can have their perspective because only they are they. 'Ya Dig?

 10:04 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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I have a solution for the Dane's work-place toilet enigma.
First, the enigma: The Dane often complains of splattered poo on the bottom of the toilet seat at his work. Yes, the bottom. Neither he, his co-workers or his confidants have been able to figure out the cause of this unexplainable phenomenon. Think about it, how does poo get to the bottom of the toilet seat? I have tried several times, but the Dane will not buy my explinations. Until now. Now I will present the undeniable answer.
The cause: a person who we might refer to as a sit-poo-stand-pee-er. In short, this person has a strange habbit of sitting when they poo and then standing to pee after pooing but before flushing. Yes, this does make an interesting subject to pscho-analyze in a Freudian framework in regards the potty training period --which is my favoite Fruedian idea. But that is another post. I first need to explain my solution. I noticed that when I pee with the toilet seat down (which is a bad habit I ask none to imitate) the splash from the urine stream bespeckles the bottom, yes the bottom, of the toilet seat. Now, imagine you were to pee into the toilet when it is filled with soup-like poo. The poo would bespeckle the bottom, yes the bottom, of the toilet seat.
Now to figure out who does this crime. Obviously it is a he, since girls don't stand and pee. ----At this point, I, the blogger, realize that this is a very tastless and crude post. I appologize to my more sensitive readers. I only embark on such a journey through necessity rather than pleasure and I rest assured that such cudity will be excused in the name of justice--- Next, the culprit must have a large amount of fiber in his diet. That, or lots of mexican food. Plus, there must be a heathly dose of coffee in the morning to create a truly, and consistenly muddy poo. This still doesn't pin-point anyone. But it does narrow the scope. It is also likely that the culprit has never had to clean a bathroom before, since he is obviously unaware of his splash. This suggests being born of wealthy stock. One last suggestion to nail the basterd (excuse my french, but I feel strongly about wickedness): he must have been raised by weird parents who had some strange bathroom hangups.
My suggestion to catch mister x and end his crime spree: listen at the door of the bathroom everytime a male fitting my description enters. If you hear pooing (and you will hear the mud-poo if it is mister x) and than muffled pee, it is a normal person --scratch him off your list, he a friend of humanity. If you hear pooing and then some unusually loud peeing, it is probably because he is standing up and peeing. At this point, highlight his name on your list. Enter the bathroom after him. Inspect the bottom of the seat. If it is bespeckled with poo, put a star by his highlighted name. You can't convict him yet. You need at least three stars. You also might find that there are more than one mister x's. Once you have the three stars, you can safely create a website that will document with pictures the of man, his poo-splater, his house, his family, his phone number and address and his local hangouts. Anonymously email him a link to the site with a long list of Cc-email addresses of his closest friends, family and co-workers. Then you can rest assured that you will never have a nasty toilet seat again.
 4:40 PM   •  17 satisfied customers!!  

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The whole Ten Commandments in the Alabama courthouse doesn't make sense. It's not like the state should or does enforce the Ten Commandments. In fact, only two of the ten are enforced: stealing and murder. What do the protestors think will happen if the Ten Commandments monument is taken out of the courthouse? Is stealing and murder going to become legal? The worst part about it is that those who are protesting think they are making some great religious stand by keeping a monument of the Ten Commandments in an Alabama courthouse. As if going to jail for this is some sort of righteous persecution. In fact, they are just political protestors on an equal footing with those who want to legalize Weed and those who want to lower taxes. Any suffering they recieve is not the sort that is recomended by Jesus. This is not suffereing for righteousness sake. It is suffering for disobeying the government of the land, on par with those who protest speed limits by driving 100mph.
 11:13 AM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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Orange County, a case for the division of power: by Johnny T.

Sometime during the turn of the last century, what is now Orange County was part of L.A. County. The citizens of OC were frusterated with the LA government. The LA government was taking the tax dollars of OC without using them to develop the infrastructure of OC. So OC seceeded from LA county and started its own county. OC realized that it can do a better job and managing its own local government than the centralized LA. The result is obvious to all who have spent any time in LA and OC. OC is cleaner, has less crime, and has a higher standard of living. OC did this with the handicap of a smaller labor pool and without any large ports like the port of LA or Long Beach. But what it did was minimize waste by taking local matters into its own hands and spent tax dollars more efficiently. LA went in more of a socialistic direction and OC in more of a capitalisitic. If there is ever a case for capitalism it is OC. Socialism does not help the poor. Look at LA. Teaching people to rely upon the government is a sure fire method to creating poverty and slavery. Democrats have good motives but end up making things worse for everybody. Dividing power up and giving local governments control of thier little pockets is the key to upping the standard of living for everybody.
 10:40 AM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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Food, the mystery: a poem by Johnny T.

Food, before it goes in, is so delicious, so desirable, so pleasureable.
Food, when it comes out, is so odious, so detestable, so retched.
Why?

It makes me not want to eat anymore.
Poo makes me not want to eat.
Poo is food after a brief layover in your tummy.

Poo, get away from me.
 9:36 AM   •  14 satisfied customers!!  

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I really, really feel like turning my brain off tonight. I think there is a strong need for some Slo Brew Bluberry Ale and chicken wings, a low brain-wave movie and a comffy couch. Ahhhh . . . .. I can just feel the relaxation. I would like to end the evening by waking up on the couch with the movie well over, bump my way into my room, brush the teeths, sleep until the morrow. I would prefer no mid-night waking, no alarm and some good coffee in the morning. The only thing that could make this better would be a game of basketball before the shutting off of me brain.


 4:23 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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My beef with Multicultural Literature, by Johnny T.

If it wasn't so boring I would be more into it. They bore me, usually, because they are so agenda driven. Preachy art is boring. Unfortunatley, most multicultural stuff I've encountered is quite preachy and consequently quite boring. I don't want overbearing politics couched in pedestrian writing. Literature that is hyper-political and issue based is almost always lame. Here is the reason: when you set out to write a novel and the organizing principle of the novel is some political agenda, the novel is going to be crappy. For example, a writer says, "I want to write a book that will show the ruff life of Cubans during the 1960s under the American trade embargo and cause my readers to hate the white males that dominate the US of A." The novel will probably to too slanted and one-sided to be moving, too preachy to allow the reader to relax, and it intentionally subordinates the artistry of writing to the writers political propaganda. Give me a break.

Well, I guess I will take the class anyway. This way no one can accuse my of not giving it a fair shake. Who knows, maybe some of these novels will acctually be good. Let's hope so. The first hurdle they will have it to change my mind about mulitcultural novels. If they can do that, then they will be well praised and you will be sure to hear about them.
 5:20 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!  

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Comedy Hint: Embody those who are mockable. Rather than point your finger and laugh at the mockable, become the mockable. When you point and put down a mockable person, you acheive a degree of comedy, if done tackfully. If you act like the mockable with making it clear that it is just an act, you can attain a degree of comedy, if done right. But, if you become mockable without letting on that you are acting, than you really hit the comedy nail on its silly head. This is best done when your performance is done in such a way that those around you can't tell if you are for real or not. Keep them tottering back and forth: when they start to think it is a joke, strengthen your legitimacy; when they start to think you are serious, get closer to the deep end. Only your good friends should be able to tell if you are serious or not.


 3:12 PM   •  5 satisfied customers!!  

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The big question: is there enough neat-o stuff out there to constantly keep us entertained?

Theory #1 --no.
Theory #2 --yes.
Theory #3 --sort of. Permit me to explain. Neat-o stuff is like a wave at the ocean --it doesn't remain constant. There are many waves and each wave runs through a series of phases --you know, it starts to roll in, than it sort of peeks, then the curly-thing comes crashing down, than the white water runs for a while than it mellows out and starts over. Well, neat-o stuff is similar to a wave in that there is a development for each neat-o thing.

Moral of the blog: When you come to my site, you can't expect a neat-o thing to happen everytime --it is just impossible.

Reaserch is currently being conducted on the subject of neat-o waves at the University of Colorado.
 4:35 PM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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If ancient wisdom is so darn wise, then why were the ancient civilizations wiped out so easily by the Western explorers and imperialist? Joe Queenan made this remark in his bookRed Lobster, White Trash and the Blue Lagoon. Quite a funny read. One problem with it: he didn't think Billy Madison was funny.

On the brighter side of life, it is almost overcast today. Yes, this is a bright spot for those unfortunate souls who don't have air conditioning living in sunny (albeit, a bit too sunny sometimes) Southern California.
 1:46 PM   •  3 satisfied customers!!  

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It has been reported that Hevey Metal, Speed Metal, Grind Core all have a high-nerd rating. The study was conducted by experts in the field of music and nerdism. Their conclusions were based upon 3 main factors: 1) the level of complexity of the music --it is a bit more complex than run of the mill pop; 2) the general fan of any of the forms of heavy metal is generally nerdy, i.e. comic books, movies, junk food, dirty, sort of science-fiction based, lots of wasted potential; 3) the fact that not many girls listen to the music or go to the concerts.

The reserch panel qualified their statements. Qualification #1: Not all heavy metal fans are nerdy. There are two main types of metal fans: the nerd with an edge and the bafoon. These two types are exhibited in the two main characters, Mike and Mark, from American Movie. A refined definition of Heavey Metal could be: fun music for nerds and their party friends. Nerds do have parties, by the way.
Qualification #2: Nerds are not accuratly portrayed in movies. Yes, the nerds in Revenge of the Nerds are a type of nerd, but they are not the only nerds. Nerds come in many types and the term is not always a put down. In fact, the reserchers of this article would consider themselves moderaly high on the nerd scale. Though the definition of nerd is difficult to nail down, one can skirt the edges of the idea by identifiying a nerd as anyone who obsesses over a nitche (what ever the nitche may be) for the purpose of becoming a sort of guru of the nitche. The big hope of the nerd is that the nitche will go mainstream and then he/she will become the leader rather than the outcast. The nerd is an outcast from the mianstream. Part of the outcasting is because they hail themselves as a sort of leader. The problem is no one else recognizes their greatness as much as they themselves do. This results in a strong desire to "prove them wrong" by becoming a guru. Some nerds achieve their dreams, like Bill Gates. Some don't, like most Slayer fans. Qualification #3: Glam-Fad, also known as Hair Bands, do not fall in the category of Heavy Metal. Yes, people during the 1980s did mistake Poisen, Ratt and Docken for Heavy Metal. But the fact of the matter is, is is just plain old pop music --comparable today to the pop-punk of Blink 182 and Good Charlette, who no one who has any exposure to true punk could confuse with the real thing. So was Glam-Fad in the '80s --it was pop disguised as Heavy Metal. To distinguish, pretty girls listen to Poisen and went to their concerts, cool party dudes blaired the music from their lifted Toyota pick-ups, and true Heavy Metal nerds dispised the Hair Bands. The Heavy Metal nerd would listen to Mettalica, Slayer, Sacred Reich, and Canibal Corpse but would never touch a Bullet Boys tape or go to a Montly Crue concert.

There is more research to be conducted, but we must all admit that they have made a good dent in the subject.
 10:44 AM   •  11 satisfied customers!!  

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I can't be called a political purist now. Yes, I am willing to put my Libraterian political convictions behind my desire to have the Terminator as my govenor. Not that I was ever a big Arnold Swartzinager (spelling?) fan, but he is cool enough. California is such a cool state: we recall (almost) a peice-of-poo gov. and you get Gary Colman, Larry Flynn, Galager and Arnold Swartzinager all running for gov. Bitchen! And to make things even cooler, everyone is stoked Arnold is running--even Democrats. I'm excited.

Now we just got to get Larry Elder to run for Senate, which I hear he is considering.
 10:03 AM   •  6 satisfied customers!!  

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Does new and exciting ever get old and boring? Yes, I know that things that are new and exciting become old and boring. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about newness and excitingness --do they ever get boring? Does the thought of something new and exciting ever make you yawn?


 8:21 AM   •  6 satisfied customers!!  

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Here is how to screw someone up: teach them never to take no for an answer. You know what we call people that won't take no for an answer? Big fat jerks. That's right.
 12:28 PM   •  4 satisfied customers!!