• Hold on, let me get this straight. Isreal just marched right up to the Palestinian leaders headquarters with tanks and soldiers, engaged in battle, only lost two guys, and then captured their enemy's leader??? Afarfat must be getting older than I thought. That just sounded way easier than it should have been. But now what?

See, this is where I get totally discouraged about politics. I just don't see what it accomplishes in times like these. Here you have two countries that have been fighting throughout the ages, literally through the ages, and now one has the others leader in captivity. Okay, how is this gonna stop years, and decades, and centuries of fighting? Uhm, it won't. So all the Palestinian people are pleading for Isreal to stop destroying the headquarters and leave poor Arafat alone because it won't bring the peace. Earth to Palestine -- you'll never be at peace! There's too much hate, too much anomosity between the two to ever have peace.

I say there needs to be an all-out-knock-down-drag-out fight between the two nations. Each nation has exactly one year to put together a strategy, and build a team. They'll face off inside borders designated by neutral nations, and the entire fight will have to remain inside those borders. No long range missles, no nuclear bombs, and no satallites. We're goin' old school on this one. Ammunition can't be replenished, and both sides start out with equal amounts. That way, when one runs out, they're just at a disadvantage. So, they better be smart about it. We're aiming at total annihilation here. Winners perservere, losers don't. Politics aren't gonna solve anything. Mass slaughter will.
 10:43 AM   •  6 opinonated pieces of What? 

• Matilda"A lot of people think it's all about brains."

Derik"Funny, I've never heard anyone say 'gee, look at the great ass on that brain'"

zoolander bonus material

 11:12 PM   •  ø 

• At the store, only moments ago, I stood in line with my Ma and listened to a mentally challenged bagger talk to the cashier lady. I was sort of impressed by how much he knew (or at least retained information) about things. He seemed to know what snowboarding was, and where Mammoth is. He was able to communicate very well that his "job was a pain". I was so impressed that I mentioned it to my Mom as we walked out. "Well, he's not stupid Mike. He's just a retard."

I love my Mom.
 2:10 PM   •  3 opinonated pieces of What? 

• I recieved a call last night, around 3 am, from a man named Skip. Skip had lost some things while he was at the gym, and he wanted to post a reward sign. $100 for the return of, and $20 for information on the whereabouts of...his pink ballet gear. Skip also liked to be called Princess. He wanted to hang up with me, call back, and then have me call him Princess. I wouldn't oblige him, but he could hear someone else in the background, so he asked if I'd give them the phone. He never heard it from someone else before, and he wanted to know if he'd like it. I told him there were plenty of places he could go where they'd be more than happy to call him anything he liked. He insisted that he wasn't a fag. I wouldn't pass the phone to anyone else either. Skip also told me that some guys found his panty hose at another gym, so he went to pick them up. But when he got there they ridiculed him and made him put them on. Then he accidentally ripped his shorts and everyone could see his jock strap. Your jock strap?, I asked. Why the heck would you be wearing a jock strap to go pick up your hose? He said he was gonna go running. I said people didn't wear jock straps when they went running. I also said people don't share this kind of information with other people unless they're gay. He insisted he wasn't. I hung up with him and called my friend at another gym. Before I even told her the full story she was telling it to me. This guy had called her a handful of times six months ago. I laughed pretty hard. I hope he calls me again, because I'm gonna have some fun next time.
 6:51 AM   •  11 opinonated pieces of What? 

• I just had to watch The Miracle of Life (the 1970's educational film that is famous for showing a child being born). Now, I know most people are grossed out by that movie. I'm not though. I'll admit that it has a tendency of numbing any lure of the female anatomy, but it's not gross. What I don't understand is how they can actually follow the sperm out of the guy and into the girl in one long sequence, with no camera cutting. It's like they attached a little helmet cam on one of them little guys.
 10:00 PM   •  2 opinonated pieces of What? 

• So if they ever do end up legalizing marijuana, you know that the tabocco companies are gonna take it over. And then sure enough we're gonna see packs and cases of joints right next to the cigarettes. What I want to know is how much those will be? Will they be cheaper than cigarettes? I don't think so. Will they be comparatively the same in price? I wonder...
 3:41 PM   •  7 opinonated pieces of What? 

• It's not uncommon to come acoss a food product in the store nowadays that contains a fat replacer. The idea behind them is to reduce fat without robbing the consumer of nutrients, or taste. I was reading an article regarding one of these fat replacers called Olestra, which you may be familiar with. Olestra has been approved by the FDA, and has some great advantages, but as I read this article, it was the cons that really caught my eye. The only justice I could offer the article is to quote it directly.

"oily Olestra can creep through the feces and leak uncontrolably from the anus, producing smelly dark yellow stains on underwear."

The artlce follows up with:

"The FDA commission that approved Olestra decided that the digestive problems of Olestra were unpleasant, but did not constitute a safety problem."

That's debatable. But then the FDA decided to require a warning lable on products containing Olestra which read: "Olestra may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools". What about stained and smelly underwears?

On a chart opposite the article there is a list of pros and cons. Apparently in no particular order since "Possible anal leakage" is number four on the list.
 6:33 AM   •  7 opinonated pieces of What? 

• I'm having a hard time falling asleep right now, and that got me to thinking. One of the craziest feelings that I happen to experience quite often is when I'm about to fall asleep. I'll be laying in bed, fully concious and in control of my thoughts and actions, and then --BAM-- there's a sudden drop in my heart rate and there's total muscle relaxation in my body. The thoughts that were completely voluntary seconds ago are now involuntary, any discomfort has numbed, and any sense of reality is transported to the original Death Star where OB-1 is shutting down the generator thingy. That's right, the Death Star.

I'm not analyzing either. This is literally the process virtually every night I go to sleep. I lay in full awarness of my surroundings, my actions, my thoughts, as I voluntarily choose which way I shall lay, when I shall shift, what I am contemplating, and then -- BAM -- a tingley sensation travels through my entire body, all previous thoughts rapidly fade, replaced by a vision of OB-1 pulling down the lever and I literally hear the sound beeewwwwwwwww billowing through my head.

My first reaction is an instant jump start of my heart, which sends another tingley feeling through my body as I shock back to awarness and control. But then I recognize the picture of Old Ben and the sound of the power-down, and while sometimes I literally say to myself, but not always, most of the time I just settle back down knowing that my heart isn't stopping, and say "oh, it's just Ben".
 3:19 AM   •  1 opinonated piece of What? 

• First Five Movies that pop into my head right now:

1. The God Father part one
2. Get Shorty
3. Lawerance of Arabia
4. 7 years in Tibet
5. Road Trip

I can't explain any of these selections, except I just watched Get Shorty last night, and I was planning on watching The God Father tonight. I've never seen more than a few clips of Lawerance of Arabia on TV, and I hate movies like Road Trip. I haven't seen 7 years in Tibet in a while, but I'm gald it made it on the list.
 6:45 PM   •  7 opinonated pieces of What? 

• It's not very often that I get to see an old friend from NY, especially here in California. Usually I have to fly out there to see anyone. But on occassion I do get lucky enough that my best friend flies out on business either to Orange County or LA, and I get to spend an evening catching up over dinner and drinks. Last night was one of those nights, and seeing as how LA is a long drive to make by myself, I had my sister and Jelefibookala come with me. It was nice that they came along, and it's amazing how providence works out, but in retrospect I can't tell if them being there was good or bad in the long run.

The evening started out fantastic. We rode all the way up in the car pool lane and faced absolutely no traffic obstacles the entire way there. Jon was staying in the Beverly Hills Renaissance, which isn't too shaby, and it's right downtown by Rodeo Dr. with all the shops. We found a beautiful Italian resturaunt that had an entire staff of Italians, I had the best glass of wine I'd ever tasted, we did all of our catching up, and left at 9:30pm. It wasn't even a long night, but it was certainly very enjoyable.

It was early enough that Beth and I even decided to take a drive through Santa Monica. I thought it'd be nice for her to see the Promenade, and the Pier, or where I used to work, and some other neat landmarks she'd never seen before. We even decided to go to Venice to look at John Cusacks office, just to show her where it was. At last we decided, at around 10pm, that it was late enough to head home, so we jumped on the freeway and we were on our way. However, the ride home wasn't as pleasant as the rest of the evening had been.

Suddenly I began to feel a stomach pain that I assumed was mere gas pains. But gradually this pain increased to a degree in which I had never experienced before. I did begin to feel the first warning signs of diaherria coming on, but the pains I felt seemed to be from something entirely different. It was so excruciating that my vision became blurry and tunnelled as I was driving. I wasn't going to make it much further, and we were still in Long Beach. I had to get off the freeway and find a restroom ASAP, but it was then that I realized we were along that stretch of freeway in Long Beach that there's absolutely nowhere to go until after you pass Seal Beach. The pains were still growing too, and it got to the point where I had to stop talking (with the exception of a few expletives), shut the radio off, and tell my sister to stop making jokes. I was in so much pain that the slightest sound seemed to distract me, and I had noticed that I was in such a hurry, that without thinking about it, my foot had stepped on the gas so far that I was now going 100mph. The thought of getting pulled over or into an accident was so inconsequential to my need of finding an exit that I would have gone 200mph if it were at all possible.

We finally reached Seal Beach and the 22 freeway, but that was no good. I still had to wait until Springdale/Westminster exit before I could get off the darn road, and that wasn't for another 2 3/4 miles. The exit lane started early, so I slid over to jet past the car in front of me, but the jerk moved over with me and blocked my way. And go figure he was going 50mph. The creep! And it was then that the night took it's worst turn. Our tire went flat. So flat that there was no riding it to the gas station, and thanks to the moron in front of us going slower than my grandma, I couldn't even make it to the actual exit. There was no time to waste moaning about the new predictment we found ourselves in, I had to get out of the car and start walking. Beth suggested I jump in the bushes. But wouldn't you know it that there were none! There were bushes all along the stupid freeway for miles and miles, except this one spot in which we broke down at. I didn't even run, but my walk was so desperate that my poor pregnant sister could barely keep up jogging. I didn't stop praying for one moment that God would keep her and the baby safe as we trekked our way to the nearest gas station. But when we got there I wasn't ready for the surprize that we recieved.

It was extremely apparent that I was sick, and Beth was very pregnant, which would lead you to think that this attendant at the station would have made an exception for us, but no luck. He refused to let me use the only restroom they had, which was an employee restroom in the back. I looked at him very displeased, and he suggested that I go across the street to the little plaza there to see what was available. He actually made it seem as though he knew for a fact there was a restroom there, and I didn't have the time to argue, so we high tailed it as fast as we could across the street hoping for the best. Actually, almost relieved that we had found a restroom at last. But, there was no restroom to be found. Not in the mexican joint, not in the pizza hut, not in the subway, not anywhere. I was getting desperate now. We ran across the street again, this time to the donut shop. "Do you have a restroom?" He shook his head no, almost as if he was disturbed by the question. "Where the hell do you all go !#$% around here? In a bucket???" I was pissed now, but still in no shape to stand around and argue about it. I ran out the door fumed, and desperate. We tried a few more places in this plaza with no success, until Beth suggested that I go across the street to the other corner and try Days Inn. We marched up to the window, and by now I was having a difficult time even standing up. Beth -- poor Beth, was out of breathe, and carrying her tummy the whole time as she tried to keep up with me. She had to do the asking, explaining the obvious, that it was an emergency, but the dumb jerk paid no attention and brushed us away. Crunch time was now on top of us.

We were left with no where else to go. Not one of those establishments on any of the corners were about to help either of us out, and hope had faded. Suddenly, just like everything else that happened that night, I got an idea. I ran back across the street to the gas station, pulled out as many paper towels as I could, then ran as fast as my body would move back to the freeway exit, climbed down into the ditch and squatted in the bushes. It was the most humiliating moment of my life, but at the same time it was the most relieving. Again, not for a single moment did my prayers stop as I thought of my poor pregnant sister standing up at the top of this freeway exit in the dark by herself, as I squatted down low in a ditch in pain. God was merciful on us and sent a CHP unit which sat with Beth the entire time (which was for quite a while actually) until I returned. They called AAA and made arrangements for them to pick up our car and meet us at the gas station on the corner. Things were beginning to look good again, and the idea that we may make it home started to regain it's light. But my situation was only slightly better, and now Beth had to pee so bad that she couldn't even sit down. I was beginning to get the shivers, and feel as though I was gonna puke next. Ten minutes went by. 20. 30. Where the hell is this guy with our car? For crying out loud, could this night get any worse???

Thirty minutes is way too long to have to wait for a tow truck, I don't care where you are, and I was about to make that call to AAA to see what was going on when he finally appeared at the light. So, Beth and I both stood there waiting for him to pull into the station, but we realized that he didn't have our car. Well that's fine, cuz we figured that it meant he was just gonna go get it after he met with us. But the dark cloud of dispair loomed its ugly head once more when the light turned green. Instead of pulling into the station, he just kept driving for about another 100 yards. Now, I'm a pretty forgiving guy, and even having considering what we'd gone through that night, so far, I was more than willing to say "hey, no problem he just made a mistake and he'll turn around and come back to us. Let's just get on our way". But this guy pulls to the side of the road and parks. Well okay, maybe he wasn't our tow truck. So I pulled the phone out, and assumed that that was the case because the operator said that our guy was busy on another job, but he'd be there in five minutes. Five minutes went by. Then 10, then 20. Finally, this original tow truck guy flips a bitch, the whole while Beth and I are watching this go down, drives back towards us and pulls into the station and asks us what's going on. I could've climbed in that guys window and beat the snot out of him if I wasn't so sick. He fully knew that I was standing there with my pregnant sister, in the cold, late at night. I just looked at him and told him to get his ass down there on the freeway exit and get my car up here in a jiffy.

15 more minutes rolled by, then 20, still no truck. Then we finally spot him on the exit...but without our car!! "What the hell is going on here!?!?" The moron then makes another swing around to go back and get our car. But by this point I was getting extremely sick again, and Beth was so anxious to use the restroom herself that when she laughed she dribbled!! So, she was on the brink as well as I was. Finally I just turned around, barged into the Cheveron, looked this guy dead in the eye as I hunched over in agonizing pain, and I told him as if I meant it, I says "Now I know you've got a #$%&-ing bathroom in here somewhere, so you better show me where it is. I've got an emergency here, and I plan on finding it one way or another." I scared this kid so bad that he probably had to use it next, cuz he pointed to the back so fast that I can't even remember if I finished my sentence.

I finally got the use of a restroom, but this time the pain was worse than it had ever been, and it was so bad that I actually screamed as I went. I was sure that I'd be in the hospital by the morning if it went on any longer. It took me a while to get done, but when I got back outside the tow truck guy had finally made it back with our car. I marched right up to Beth, I was shivering out of control now as if I had a fever, and I told her to go inside Cheveron and tell that guy "you're going to use his restroom now, and if he gives you any more trouble that I'll be back in there in a minute". Well, he didn't give her any problems, but this tow truck guy had some serious problems of his own. He got the car down off the truck, put it up on the hydrolic lift and started to switch the tire, but the retard forgot to put the car out of neutral and into park. So just, and I do mean JUST as he finished putting the tire on, the car rolls forward, falling off the hydrolic lift, and begins heading for the tow truck. I was standing directly behind our car, so when it suddenly drops down I didn't think anything of it, except I thought to myself...is our car moving? I wanted to start yelling and cussing at this guy as he jumped up off the ground and put his body in front of the car to catch it before it bumped into the back side of his tow truck, but I was still feeling so much pain that all I could do was jump inside and throw the brake on before I slipped it into park. What a moron. But our tire was finally fixed, and I had gotten my moment in the restroom, and now I just wanted to go home. The most disturbing part about it at that point, now that we were actually pulling out, was that we were still all the way in Westminster, which is a 30 minute drive home...and we were riding a spare now.

Well, it would have been nice to be able to make it the rest of the way without stopping, but we had one more emergency before we made it home. We had reached Irvine, and Culver was our last real chance to make a pit stop before the long stretch home on the toll road. So we swung into a gas station that we knew had a restroom, and when I came back out I told Beth that I think I had a miscarriage because I've never seen so much blood come out of my butt my entire life. Needless to say, maybe I will end up in the hospital yet.

The night turned into a disaster, which is why I'm glad my sister was with me. But at the same time, if she wasn't with me last night, I never would have drove around Santa Monica and probably would have made it home before I got sick. But, then her tire may have burst this weekend while she was on her way to Lancaster, instead of last night while she was still in civilization. What it all boils down to is that now we have Beths first exciting "When I was pregnant with Jelefibookala" story, and I was the main character!!
 4:25 PM   •  9 opinonated pieces of What? 

• Ru: "I was gonna tell ya'll somethin', but I dunno...it's kinda disturbin."

Me: "Well then, please do share."

Ru: "Oh yeah, well okay. I was talkin' on da phone da other day with my sista who's my cousin..."

Me: "Is that the disturbing part?"

conversation in today's sociology class, prior to the exam.
 3:48 PM   •  2 opinonated pieces of What? 

• Wow, the sabres won today and we got a new house. What's next? The lottery?? Probably not, but the looks of this house would give you that impression. It's in Lake Forest, right on the lake by Ridge Route. As you enter our new neighborhood you feel like you're in Balboa. It's that cool. We're so close to the water that not only do we have ducks and swans in our front yard, but our neighbor has a walk way from his yard to his boat, which is in the lake. It's a five bedroom house, with a sun room patio in the back, a view of the water from our front window, a loft, a huge fire place, a two car garage with a spot for a boat, and ducks and swans that walk in our front yard. Oh, did I already mention that? The master bed room also has an addtion to it, because originally it had a sliding door that went out onto the roof patio, but they enclosed that and turned it into an office. There are so many windows in this house that I can't even count 'em all...

Well, some of you might be waiting to hear about the jaccuzi, but I'm a little disappointed to say that we don't have one. So far, that has been the main thing aside from our need for more room that we've been looking for in a house. But, when we pulled into this neighborhood, and saw the lake, and the cool retro style of house this was, it was too cool to pass up. We may get to add the jaccuzi one day, but it'll probably be a while now before we do that. However, this house is so worth it, and those of you who are blessed enough to recieve a house warming party invitation from me will know exactly what I'm talking about. I can't wait for the summer either!! On the lake, with a beach and everything. Hotdog!!!

It'll be great when Beth, Matt, and Jelefibookala move in too. I was talking to my mom last night about it, and we realized that we'd need their help to fill this house up with furniture. We don't have enough for that. We'll probably have to buy a new couch or two. But I got to thinking how when they join us in Lake Forest, that will mean that we'll have eight televisions, six cars, five computers, three scanners, four printers, eight phones, and two couches. Two couches, that's it. We'll have enough televisions for each person to watch their own show at the same time, but only two of us can sit down on a couch to watch it. We'll have enough phones that we could have two friends come over, give them each a phone, and then all make seperate calls at the same time (if they had seperate lines). We'll have more cars than houses on our new street, but not enough couches for even one of our rooms. Hmmm...interesting.
 7:16 PM   •  10 opinonated pieces of What?