Prince RighteousDude...spouse, partner in crime and all Mayhemian Pursuits^tm, resident best pal and all-around Good Guy. Pacifist to my aggressor, reason to my madness, looseness to my exactitude, hippie to my punk. Chiselled exterior, squishy interior. Highly intelligent, very intuitive, activist spirit, funniest motherfucker I know. Fabulous conversationalist, great in bed. We were longtime good friends before becoming lovers. I expect to lead a rich existence holding his hand until such time as I keel over.

SAM

Firstborn male child. Came onto the scene in early '92. Smart, artistic, sensitive, articulate, painfully handsome. I am in the process of teaching him how to assemble a decent comic book collection and groom himself properly. He is in the process of teaching me patience and how to painlessly shift gears into another person's way of thinking. We both laugh loudly and at stupid, unexpected things. I expect that he'll never live more than two blocks from me.

SCOUT

Sole girl-child with whom I have been madly smitten since her arrival in mid-'93. Most down-to-Earth, practical and forward-thinking person in our quintet. She's just so...even. Quiet grace, breathtaking and earnest blue eyes. Genuinely loves people, has a tender heart, goes out of her way to make others feel cared-for. Multi-talented, but I worry that she has trouble finding her own path sometimes. Begs me at least twice a year (for a couple days straight) to get impregnated with another girlbaby; wants that sister BADLY. I expect for Scout to run around the planet, have fun and then one day settle in a neighboring city, close enough so that she and I can visit easily, but far enough so that we have to call first.

MATHIAS

Since late 1998 has been a lovable heathen of the highest order. Ornery, high-spirited, in turns the absolute meanest and sole swellest kid you've ever known. Born on his due date, which is not-so-common. Learns rapidly, takes delight in the company of others but likes time to self, as well. Sings everything, can act out any scene word-for-word, movement-for-movement, emotion-for-emotion after seeing it only one time. Physically resembles Maxim (save for the blonde hair) but by all accounts is the most like me of all three kids. I expect that our door won't hit Mathias in the butt, but he'll send postcards on a regular basis.

BIFF

Father of Sam and Scout, husband part deux. Former highly-trained military-person (walks like a cat, I swear). Lover of all things military, far too literal. Intensely passionate, neurotic and, in my opinion, frustrating. Good father and provider to his children. Jaw-dropping good looks, light of Sam and Scout's life. 'Disabled Vet' status. Keeps trying to get back into the armed forces. We were married six years; two-thirds of it was based on the sex alone. If we spend too long in a room/on the phone together, I find myself wanting to draw blood. Says he'll never marry or have children again. I expect to hear that he's fallen by his own hand one day.

GWENDOLYN

My mother. Hella tall, easy-on-the-eyes woman. Tough as nails but very tender and nurturing. Head for business, finance and investment. Bakes proliferately when stressed and/or nervous. Ran a democratic household, i.e. gave us enough rope to hang ourselves and then yanked it back sharply. Southern gentility with a love for bawdy humor. Like me, found her Prince Charming on the third marriage-go-round. Never confuses the terms 'friend' and 'mother', which is valuable. Gives great hugs. One of my heroes. Was forced out of work by Mystery Illness that cannot be pinpointed about six years ago. A doer, a giver. I expect to die my own little death when she passes away.

Gwendolyn's third and final husband. Been in our lives since 1989, but only an influential factor in mine since the mid-nineties. Great father and husband and papaw; shows no favoritism to any of the kids or grandkids, we are all his -- I've never been introduced as a 'step' anything. He fusses on me and over me, in true dad-like fashion. He calls a spade a spade and takes no bullshit. He and my mother are exemplary marriage role models: They are truly friends and companions. God-fearing, tax-paying, decorated (3 tours of 'Nam as a River Rat) Navy veteran. Three-quarters Cherokee. Deer hunter. The original high-tech redneck -- if the technology breaks, he ditches it and buys newer. Never owns a truck more than two years old.