And now, my thoughts. To be typed out in a rather non-sensical fashion, one would guess, as they seems to be filling my head much faster than I am ever going to be able to empty it.

Yes. Overwhelmed is definately a good word to describe what I have been lately. Yet very suprisingly I've also been underwhelmed. Now I'm sure that the laws of science ...orwhatever... dictate that being under and overwhelmed at the same time is quite impossible. But let me assure you that it's only improbable; very quite possible.

Life scares me to death. Mildly ironic, no? At least more-so than 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, I think. But questioning it's irony aside, it's altogether too true. I feel like I'm turning into a full fledged adult way too fast lately. And I don't even know why I feel that way. I think it's maybe because I'm starting to realize that some of the things I wanted to do before I was stuck in the rut of "go to work, pay bills, sleep, repeat" aren't going to happen because I'm already in aforementioned "rut." The alwaysyoung side of me keeps saying "well then change it you ninny" but the realistic side of me says "HA!" with such a hearty fullness that the alwaysyoung side runs and hides behind what's left of my irresponsibility.


And here it's happened again. Just like every other post, I don't know how to continue on. So many posts have been typed out and then left with that blinking line at the end of an unfinished thought, only to be deleted and lost to the unclaimed voids of the technoverse. So, instead of closing out my browser, this time a subject change.

I'm rather excited about this summer. It will be the longest time I will have ever been away from home. I'm going to New Jersey for an approximated 6 weeks. I'm excited and still very nervous. I can't help but think this is a bad idea, that I should get back home and keep working and be around my dog and take care of the bills and... I don't know. Not be vacationing. But regardless of all the self doubt that seems to be filling my soul the past couple-o-years, I'm going. I am going. I AM going. I WILL have a good time, and I keep promising myself that I won't needlessly worry about too much. But it's very hard to do for me, I'm very much a worrier. How do I calm that?

I miss posting. I really do, believe it or not. This page would argue that point all day and night and all day again, judging by how very not frequently I come around nowadays. It does let some of the pressure out from inside of my head. I just end up getting frustrated with realizing how much is left unresolved in this ever-full thought box of mine.
I feel like sometimes I am drowning and I don't even know how or why. Abruptly ended, by the Llama's unwillingness to take a deep breath and continue on.

I want to be something more than I am. I want to be different. Somehow special... because being normal is just so average and regular and boring to me. I want to make a difference. I want to be somebody that can change things.

I wish, sometimes, that I was something that I'm not. And the fact that the something I want to be isn't even real or possible frustrates me. But I want to be a superhero from a comic book or video game, or the character in a really good novel or movie. And the most frustrating thing about it is knowing that it can't happen, and that it's a lame thing to wish.

Still, the little kid inside of me believes that it could happen. ::sigh::

HA! Trogdor is one of the "Bonus Tracks" on Guitar Hero II.
(Yes, I'm a dork)
That SO rules. (So does Guitar Hero and it's sequel.)

(Totally a dork.)

I remember a time when each day I would look forward to coming home and describing for the world my own view of how the events unfolded in the twenty four hours past. And I remember it being something that I really had a good time doing because I always felt like the stories I had were awesome.

I also remember a sometime later when I realized my stories weren't as awesome as previously believed. I was more concious of the reader. Entertaining somehow. Making the audience laugh. For a while, I would sit in front of the computer, logged in to blogger staring, trying to force something good. Be it something clever, something profound, something.... something.

I remember making a promise to start posting regularly again, and not keeping it.

I remember later making a promise to start posting regularly again, and not keeping it.


Seems I have that memory a bunch of times. Ha.
Well... somethings have changed, some haven't. Life? Has definately changed. I know better than to make a promisee to post regularly anymore, as I am sure you know better than to accept a promise of such. However, I will say this: I've been craving it. And not necessarily for me to read, but not necessarily for you to read... just to write. I am still just as aware of the readership now, but not nearly as concerned about what is thought of it. Looking back, I think my stories are awesome again. Not necessarily because they all were, but because I thought that they all were, and that's good enough for me.

I've come to realize that a riveting story isn't necessary for writing to being worth being painted across across this pixelated canvas of the world wide web. I'm more interested in just being back and active again. Come on admit it... you missed the crap outta me.


I've been craving a major change in my life, other than moving. Any suggestions?

I just don't know if I will ever grow out of video games. They're just too cool to tire of. My mom thought I would have grown out of them years ago... I remember buying an PS2 when it was brand new and my mom thinking I was too old for gaming. Crazy crazy lady. I've even been contemplating game design for a choice of study.

What will be ultimate is when I have my own house and a big backyard, I'll build a ramada with electric and I'll put a surround sound setup out there and play my video games in the outside. Because being in the out is way better than being in the in. Way better.

And for your daily dose of random, if you live in Tucson, don't work in Phoenix. But more importantly, don't live in Phoenix. Comprende? Siiiiiiiiiii...

I think that with the help of the video function on my digital camera, I am going to make some sort of fun video. I'm not sure of what I will make this video, nor am I sure why. But dammit, I wanna make a video.

Also, I want to learn how to make flash cartoons. I'm going to buy a book this weekend I think. But there's a good chance I'm lying to you.

I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't change our relationship.

Ok so here I am, coming to you with the truth. I'm taking a deep breath and I'm just going to admit it.

I have a myspace account.

Now before you start throwing rotten fruits and sharp objects, let me explain.

I originally found out that a long lost friend of mine was on myspace, and I had no other way of contacting her than to open an account. Now, I KEPT the account because while I was using it I found out about all the musicians on it and previews of songs and constant updates about what they're doing... and I'm addicted. I don't friend people other than a few friends (such as the previously unreachable girl in Australia) and all kinds of bands and artists.

Still, I feel dirty. It's myspace. I'm not even going to take the time to link to it because I still don't approve of it.

But I will give it this: I have found some awesome artists due to myspace.

That's all.

I don't know what I want to go to school for. Anything practical doesn't sound enticing, but anything interesting conversely wouldn't be very practical. Creation is such an amazing and alluring thing... graphics and music are two mediums I have always desired to be able to fully express myself through, however nowadays I don't do much of either.

I started giving up on the creation of music after high school, and while I can come up with a multitude of excuses in my head as to why I gave up, I can't think of one reason that is truly legit.

Graphics I gave up on years ago, and I think it's just because I was frustrated. I didn't think I would ever be able to be as good as I wanted, and my results were tangible. If I made something I didn't like, it just sat there and I would nitpick at it untill I would through it away because I would eventually end up hating it. Now as I am getting a little older and learning patience, especially with my self growth, I am getting interested in it again, and I actually think I might go to school for something related to graphic design... but it's so hard to say. I don't know what I would want to do with it, but at this point I don't know if I should even worry about it.

I think I just worry too much in general.

I'm going to Jersey in like 3 weeks! I'm stoked, you can be assured of that! I haven't been this excited in a long time. Things are starting to go my way too, so that's a boost in my overall mood. Now if only I could muster up the cajones to call up this amazing girl and invite her to come out with me sometime...

I'll probably see her tonight, maybe I'll invite her for some coffee one of these nights.