Have the Grammy's always had such randomly matched performers together?

Llama dama ding dong.

I'm freaking out. I just looked in the mirror, and found 4 (count 'em... FOUR) gray hairs. All very close to each other, immediately above my right ear. Thus, the freaking out begins. Those of you who don't know me on a face to face basis may recognize the fact that my forehead has been increasing in size over the past few years. Slowly, but surely. My grandaddy on my moms side had the same problem. His forehead grew all the way across the top of his head eventually, so I'm convinced that mine will do the same.

For the record here, I am 25 years old. TWENTY FIVE!!! With a recedingish hairline and four gray hairs!!!!! I better go out and by some argyle socks and a cane.

Shit shit shit. I already have argyle socks. Is that what did it?? ARE THE SOCKS A CURSE??!?

I think that I am going to buzz off all my hair. Shortlike. Damn hair, who needs it anyway? Maybe I'll dye it before I cut it off. And regularly redye what's left of it.

This, my internet friends, is preposterous. I should write my congressperson. Keep your laws off my body, and my hair on my head.
/rant

Well I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Well, I should edit that. **EDIT** I thought I knew what career path I wanted for my life. **/EDIT** But then, I realized that I did not, in fact, want to be a high school music teacher. I realized that I still wanted to become a high school teacher, but instead I had realized that I wanted to be an English teacher. Then, I realized that I didn't want anything to do with all that high school teaching noise. Not even kind of. I decided though that I did want to pursue music, just performing it. So I started college on that path.

Oops! Wrong again. I enjoy playing music, and I love performing. But I didn't want to perform music as a career. I did, however, want to perform. So I started taking theater classes. I didn't enjoy it. I don't know why, but I just didn't enjoy being in the theater program. I loved acting, truly I did. But I just didn't feel like I was finding my place. At the time, I made the excuse that it was because I didn't want to be a theater actor, but instead a film actor. Piss poor reasoning, in hind sight. But I just really did not like the program and so I left it. Call me a quitter. I don't mind. (But you may find a flaming paper sack on your doorstep if you do. Go ahead, stomp on it to put it out. Fahker.)

Then I went into a state of unknowmanship. I really just had zero ideas. I had toyed with the idea of graphic design in high school, but I never took art classes, so post high school I decided that at the ripe old age of 20 that it was too late to start. I'm a bit silly sometimes. Some call it being pessimistic. I call it being a bit silly. Anyway, time past, and I kept thinking of different career paths. My family had always been in the restaurant business, so I began thinking that's where I would end up. But my mind kept changing. Restaurant management, becoming a chef, getting into sales, getting into real estate, back to thoughts of acting, marketing/advertising, botany/horticulture, and so on. Random paths it seemed. But each had a reason.

So now I'm back where I started again. Indecision. Through it all, I have relied on my love of video games to help me to stop stressing out about real life. Ah video games. I have loved video games since 1986. My friends had the Atari. I thought it was the coolest toy around. Unlike books and movies, you didn't just follow the story of a character, you actually BECAME the character and were then a part of the story. How cool is that? I, of course, HAD to have the Nintendo. Had to, had to, HAD to. And I got it for Christmas. Best. single mom. EVARRR.

And this brings me to my point. Here I am, 22 years and 8 game consoles later, still in love with video games. But can I actually make a career out of this love? I'm sure of it. What I'm not sure of is what I want to do. Graphic design was an idea before, so maybe game art/animation? Game marketing? Programming? Game level design, production, overall design, software engineer... I just can't decide. But one thing that I could decide was that I should get started on a computer sciences degree so I can at least head down the right path, because I'm 25 and not getting younger. Quite the opposite, it seems.

I am obsessed with magazines. Have I mentioned that during this rant? I love 'em. I highly enjoy writing, but I never seem to have anything to write about which I am highly passionate.

Wait a tick. It's all congealing into some sort of semi-coherent mind-fuck of an idea. What if someone paid me to go play video games and then write about it? What if I could go learn of all the latest and greatest video game news and knowledge, then write it down for all to read? What if I could put together some of the things that have been my favorites for a large percent of my life and make a career of it? Shit yeah.

So my big concern is that I may get to a point where I outgrow video games. I can't see that happening, really, but it just might. One thing that I know I'll never outgrow, however, is writing. And if I got into video game journalism and somehow DID grow out of video games one day, I could always take my career to the next step and start writing for a different type of publication.

So is that it? Have I found my niche? Am I finally getting to that magical point in my life where I have figured it out? Please, for the love of all that is measurable in points, let this be the high score that I've been trying to beat for all these years.

I don't care for interviews. I am a confident speaker, and I believe in me. I can speak in front of hundreds and hundreds of people just fine, but as soon as you sit down one person who is judging me for ME... it unnerves me.

I don't like being judged for that matter, but who really does? I don't tend to get nervous when speaking very often. The only time is when I am being interviewed. And yes, that goes not only for job interviews, but with the ladies. I just start blanking out when it comes me turn to speak, and when I finally squirt some ideas out my piehole, they're allllll jibberjabber.

I realized this twice today. And so now that I have you here, Mr. Internet, I just want to let you know a few things. I could KICK ASS at the job I interviewed for this morning. But I sat down in front of him and felt like I was 5 years old getting questioned about who broke the God damned lamp. Previously, I spoke with Sam the sweet breakfast server again. Once again, I don't think she'll be calling. Why? Because every time I get around to the "call me sometime" part of the conversation, it comes out at the volume of 1 as something along the lines of "cah-me sumt-... sometime ifyerbored......."

CONFIDENCE, YOU ASSHOLE!!! I KNOW YOU HAVE IT!!! EXUDE IT TO THOSE WHOM IT MATTERS MOST!!!

Sometimes, Llama, you're such a dick to yourself.

In other news... Jane, you ignorant slut, the lyric is "if you ever live there, you just listen and don't be no fool." Live there, not "lither"

What does that even MEAN??

Also, being sober and not smoking makes me cranky. But I can do this, I swear.

It's about 5 weeks in now, and I am starting to realize that moving across the country was a bigger deal than I had originally anticipated.

I don't know what caused me to believe that it wouldn't be in the first place, to tell you the honest-to-God truth here. But job finding and friend hunting has been fucking hard! In other news, I really, really, re-he-heeallly want to go back to school. I'm past ready again. I need moneys to do it though. That makes me a sad panda.

However, I am loving my new location. While it may be fucka-cold, I am digging living on the beach. Jersey may get a bad rap, but if you are one of the assholes giving it one, I'm gonna give you a GOOD rap... right on the fuckin' noggin.

Hey also, I seem to be back. Maybe I won't be such a dick and I'll actually keep posting this time, instead of leading you to believe so and then crushing your hopes of my promised wordsmithing. (And I also still don't make much sense apparently. Ta da!!)

And now, my thoughts. To be typed out in a rather non-sensical fashion, one would guess, as they seems to be filling my head much faster than I am ever going to be able to empty it.

Yes. Overwhelmed is definately a good word to describe what I have been lately. Yet very suprisingly I've also been underwhelmed. Now I'm sure that the laws of science ...orwhatever... dictate that being under and overwhelmed at the same time is quite impossible. But let me assure you that it's only improbable; very quite possible.

Life scares me to death. Mildly ironic, no? At least more-so than 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, I think. But questioning it's irony aside, it's altogether too true. I feel like I'm turning into a full fledged adult way too fast lately. And I don't even know why I feel that way. I think it's maybe because I'm starting to realize that some of the things I wanted to do before I was stuck in the rut of "go to work, pay bills, sleep, repeat" aren't going to happen because I'm already in aforementioned "rut." The alwaysyoung side of me keeps saying "well then change it you ninny" but the realistic side of me says "HA!" with such a hearty fullness that the alwaysyoung side runs and hides behind what's left of my irresponsibility.


And here it's happened again. Just like every other post, I don't know how to continue on. So many posts have been typed out and then left with that blinking line at the end of an unfinished thought, only to be deleted and lost to the unclaimed voids of the technoverse. So, instead of closing out my browser, this time a subject change.

I'm rather excited about this summer. It will be the longest time I will have ever been away from home. I'm going to New Jersey for an approximated 6 weeks. I'm excited and still very nervous. I can't help but think this is a bad idea, that I should get back home and keep working and be around my dog and take care of the bills and... I don't know. Not be vacationing. But regardless of all the self doubt that seems to be filling my soul the past couple-o-years, I'm going. I am going. I AM going. I WILL have a good time, and I keep promising myself that I won't needlessly worry about too much. But it's very hard to do for me, I'm very much a worrier. How do I calm that?

I miss posting. I really do, believe it or not. This page would argue that point all day and night and all day again, judging by how very not frequently I come around nowadays. It does let some of the pressure out from inside of my head. I just end up getting frustrated with realizing how much is left unresolved in this ever-full thought box of mine.
I feel like sometimes I am drowning and I don't even know how or why. Abruptly ended, by the Llama's unwillingness to take a deep breath and continue on.