I think I'll buy a weight bench one of these days.

The End

I'm sorry, dear, dear ISP. But I just didn't remember that I had to pay. I know, I know, that must sound rediculous. But I just forgot to actually DO it. I knew I owed you. But when I tried to pay, you didn't let me, remember? Let's just accept our differences on this one.

What? You agree? We'll just get over it? I'm glad you're being so calm about this. Well, no, I am not too interested in cable TV, I don't have the money. Free? You're so kind, but I'm not falling for such a scam.

Free?? For the rest of the time I subscribe to your internet?

Done.


Oh, while my net was down, I wrote a post. I'm in a completely resolved mood right now.

Temporarily.
"I couldn't be more sick of the world tonight if I tried. Granted, things aren't bad. Everything always works out for me, so I don't know what gives me the right to bitch. But right or not, I'm bitchin'. Love it world. Embrace it.

I finally got the time, money and gumption to get off my ass today and deal with some stuff that I needed to deal with for a while. I ran errands, did some school work, went shopping for some household items. Amidst my ventures, my vehicle notified me that the near seven hundred dollars of work put into it recently just wasn't going to do. No no, now I get transmission problems. Whilst cursing at the flashing light, the check engine light came on. That's when I started getting noticably more irate. And then , to top it all off with jimmies and a cherry (as if it was some sort of Fiasco Sundae), the speedometer took a shit. Such is the life of any car I will ever own, I believe.

I returned home to my homestead, bags in hand, to greet Bling Bling and The Jazz. The Jazz ran out to the car to sniff and investigate any bags which might contain products for her. She found a small stash, and started dancing laps around the yard. Upon my entry into my home, I was more than excited to have gotten some of these long awaited, highly anticipated products (ie: TP) finally across the threshold of ownership. It was like a good scene in a terrible movie. I laughed, I cried, I tried on my slippers.

Now, these slippers are more meaningful than meets the eye, as our landlord STILL has not turned on the heater. Please, please, PLEASE give us some warmth lady. I'd do it myself, but I have quested for the gas valve far too many times, each time only to return with the bitter taste of defeat lingering on my taste buds. I gave my items their new homes, whereupon I went to the grocery store for a few moments.

When I returned (no more than 20 minutes later) I found a puddle of urine on the couch, 74 pieces of slipper, shredded paper, and a new-but-mutilated brush. Come on dog, when are you going to cut this shit out? And further more, why is it so random that she does this. And when I scold her, she thinks it's a joke. A big fucking game.

To top this freezing night of anger off just right, they turned off my cable because (despite numerous fucking attempts to pay them) my internet service provider is mad that I haven't payed them. Look, if you want people to pay you, you can't shut off the part of your website that allows me to view and pay my bill for extended periods of time. That is my method of payment. You know that. I pay that way every month, and it is selected in my profile that I will be paying that way for the rest of my subscribing days unless you are notified otherwise.

No heat. No food. No net. No intoxicating items immediately available.

At least I forgot to pick up trash bags, since we're completely out and my dog made a mess in the house."


I found a fun little quote whilst gaming, but I loved it.
Put away the weapons, and turn up the bass.
Lovin it. Lovin it.


I just want a nice girl to say "Hey... how you doin?" to me one of these days. Come on ladies. Come. The fuck. On.

Well terrible news on the frontlines here in LlamaLand, my llama lovin' amigos. The cable company decided to shut off all power to The Storybook de los Llama^TM last night. Unfortunately, I can't pay this bill now because I definately use the internet to pay them. So, I'll have to take a visit with my golf club to the building down the street and have a few words with those who so foolishly robbed me of my world wide webbage. Punks.

Anyhow, the moral of the story is that I won't be posting untill I get those bastards kind folks over at the cable company to let me have my services back. Give me my services back, you bitch.

And don't forget my black t-shirt.

Well, I made it through my audition. And I didn't even die. The audition didn't go as well as it could have, but I went, I auditioned, and I conquered didn't get cast. Can you believe this? The Awesome Guy^TM graced their presence, and they passed on the Awesomeness. Fuckers.

I must say, despite my lack of being cast, that I am not too upset about it. I'm aware of the fact that sometimes you just aren't going to be in a show. And that's ok. The people who are cast were cast there for a reason, and I just didn't fit into the plan this time. It ain't because I can't sing, it ain't because I can't act. We won't talk about the dancing. But it's just not my show, and that's cool.



I've been making friends like it's nobody's business lately. Finally. Don't these cats know that I'm the raddest dude in town? It's good to have lots of friends again. Although, I still don't have anyone who is genuinely close to me. They know me now, a bit. But they only see that shell that I form for the outside world, and know nothing of my past. I'm like Crouching Friend, Hidden Past.

And with the absolute worst joke of the day, I must go to my class.

_{Also should make a note to The Crazy: I told you so.}

I've decided, today, that I am done advertising my page. I'm not going to put it in a profile any longer. I'm not going to tell people about it unless they ask. Because I really am beginning to feel a communication with myself off of this more lately than I did at first. It's partially the reason I started blogging: to talk to myself now, and to talk to myself in the future. And I am finally to the point where I have reached myself, and that feels so ultimately awesome. And I think it will really helpy with the way I post. Because I won't feel as if it's a chore as much now... it's an opportunity.

Furthermore, topic of discussion is people. We freak me out. To know that people are out here being so fake to each other blows my mind. Nobody really knows me right now, and I don't feel like I really know anyone. Not in a "I-don't-have-any-friends" kind of way, by any means. I mean I don't intimately know a soul, nor does a soul intimately know mine. And I see that lately my writing has really been helping me when I do get around to doing it. Because I am starting to realize what I want to write. If only I could break through my scared-ass' little fear of pissing people off with the things that I say. There's plenty of great stories that I want to remember, and so many feelings that I want to show my kids when they go through the same problems. And I know that I if I don't get them down somewhere, if don't lock them up in a silicon potato chip, I'm going to lose them with time. It's really a weight off my shoulders to know that it's what I can do with this blog.

Howevermore, I still worry that people will be offended. I am not a taboo person at all, so don't think that by the way I defend my posts. I don't believe in anything too risque, or censorship in the pen, tongue, tunes or camera. But I do wish that I could get past my want to please you, the reader. I know that I could give you so much more if I didn't worry about you hating it. But it's coming, I'm breaking down that wall.

***

Tonight, I feel happy with life. Honestly, truly happy. I've laid on my bed, looking at all the colors on the wall, talking with Bling Bling, I just realized how much I am just happy with things right now. Also, while talking about the colorful walls, pictures of The Dude Cave (Jett show me how to trademark the dude cave) to come, as the colors are tres cool.

Something something else too. But I forgot what that something was. Jett knows why.

Sometimes I get to a point where I am doing bad. I think that's why posts have been negative lately (for some time) and also why the tears are tracing jagged lines down my cheek and onto my neck. I have found myself at a point where I am not happy. At all. There is nothing in my life that I actually am excited about anymore. Nothing happened. Nothing changed. I just am sick of the world, and it makes feel an emotion that I hate, but I can't describe. It's the same emotion that showed up the last time I felt this way. And that worries me. Granted, I have more self control and understanding of life now than when I wrote those letters, some years back. I'm not to that point this time. But I feel that same void.

It's amazing to me to feel an emptiness that is so filling. My soul is overflowing with nothing, which makes for the most frustrating writing of all time. Whenever I start feeling this way, I want to write so much... I want so many thoughts on paper, but I can't get them down because I can't even begin to formulate how the english language could somehow portray the emotions that I experience. It's frustrating to have so much to say, but not have a strong enough grip on my own words to make it happen. I wish that I had the skills to fill this screen with feeling, because I know that is exactly what I need to help me feel better tonight. But instead of a free flow of thoughts into cyberia, I am ebbing a negativity that is so jumbled in it's own thoughts that it feeds on itself, through frustration.

It's cold, and late. I am sitting at a computer, thinking about how tired I am. Tired because I need sleep, especially since I have to work in a few hours and haven't even gone to bed for the night yet, and tired because I need some help. A crutch, a break, or...


I feel like this blog isn't mine anymore. I censor myself so much because of you. I have things that I could say, and free my thoughts of. But I find myself limiting what I reveal because I don't know what you'll think. It's a blog, it's meant to be read. But it's MY blog. It's meant to be mine, first and foremost, and I feel like I don't let myself have it.

I am rambling. I am tired. I am sick. I am stressed. I am what I am.

Many of you have probably been wondering (or maybe none of you were wondering............bastards.) where in the hell the Llama has been. Well, here's the straight out-n-out-uv-it. I've been sick, dears, and have been spending my time on things like laying around on the couch, and laying around on the bed. And yes, I'll admit right now that I spent lots of time on the computer. Thing is, I was intrigued by the world wide web during these days which I have spent hacking and wheezing, and was joyed by nothing more than searching on any topic that I possibly could. I would have written about some of my great finds, but I was always on the move. It was like... an information highway, for lack of having more creativity points than -2.

Ladies and gentleman, I even had errands to run on the internet... and I didn't even get to that. I had things to do, posts to write, and tv shows to download cars to register. Did I get any of it done?? No!! I had much better things to do with my time, thank you very much.

Anyhow, just thought I would drop in to say "Yeah I'm not dead, just obsessed with google."

I'll tell you right here and right now that the next post has not been edited. I wrote it, and posted it. It may not make sense, it may not flow well. It uses bad language. I don't apologize because this is my site, and I'll write whatever I please.

One of the hardest things that I've ever had to do in life is not give up. I'm not talking about in a game or a contest. What I am saying is that no matter how much I know it's going to get better... I just want to walk away from life with my middle finger in the air. I'm trying my hardest, but everyday is just a little harder to accept that this is it. The real thing. And I'm only 20??? 5 more years from now things get even harder, and in 10 even harder yet?? I honestly can't say that I look forward to the next day as much as I used to.

I just feel like I keep on giving and giving, but it does unchecked. And that's cool with me, to an extent. I don't help people out because I expect them to help me. I don't help people out because I want to buy or earn their respect. I don't help people because I'll feel guilty if I don't.

I help people out because that's who I am. If someone is down on cash, friend or otherwise, I'll pitch in. If someone needs to vent, I put off my good times so I can help them cope with their bad times. I'm not trying to be a better person than anyone else. I am just trying to be my person. I am trying to be Chris Lambert. I am trying to be who I believe I want to be.

So why the fuck can't I get any credit? I'm not saying I am pathetic, nor am I suggesting that I've got things bad. I'm not asking for your fucking sympathy, or for you to worry about me. So you can forget about that. I don't want you to comment and tell me how great you think I am, and that I shouldn't worry about things because everything works out. I already know that, so save yourself some typing.
I don't want anything from you. I don't need anything from you. I am completely self sufficient, and confident with who I am. I love me. I am a great fucking person and if you don't like who I am, then stop hanging around me and coming to my page. I don't ask for one fucking person to stay in my life. I need nobody. Things are cooler with you here, but if you think I NEED you... you've got another thing coming your way.

"What's up with the hostility?" you ask? Well, here's the point of the post then. I've said that I do a lot of shit for people. I do, end of story. I'll admit right now that I am not the greatest person or friend. Sometimes, I have my asshole moments. So do you, so stop complaining. I've also told you that I don't expect anything back for what I do. Still holds true.

What I will NOT put up with is anybody coming to me and disrespecting me with words and with actions. Don't you DARE come to me and tell me that I am a bad friend. Don't you fucking DARE come to me and tell me that I don't try.

I am a rad dude. I'll show you respect that you don't even deserve. But I swear on every moral that I hold true that if you come here and show disrespect to anything I have to offer to world I will kick your ass from here till Tuesday.

On another note, I am sick of the world's crap.