I haven't posted in so long that it hurts. I really do miss writing, but time and a lack of a computer enhance my procrastination even further than imaginable. But today hurts so bad, and I don't know where else to let it out.

I don't know how to handle death. It's not not something that has really been a part of my life. Granted, I've had losses of family members, and I didn't know any of them well at all. And while I've been sad about each of them because they are family, I hadn't developed a close relationship with them, so it didn't really grab hold of my heart too bad.

Having my dog die several years ago has always stuck in my mind as my most painful loss that I've had to deal with. Granted, not a human death, but I was closer to my dog than any of the family members I had lost. However, I was expecting to lose the dog, as the cancer had gotten to the point where you noticed she had lost the will to live. I held her in my arms as she died, and had full closure due to the amount of time I had to prepare.

But now, I've fully realized the pain of losing someone who I hold close to my heart, and it hurts more than anyone could have prepared me for. And while all week I tried to hold back tears and be strong about things, sometimes I just couldn't help it.

Today, at 10:00 am, I went to PFC Sam Williams Huff's memorial. I heard from several people that this memorial service would help me to cope and grieve, and deal with the loss of a close friend better. But after returning home, I've realized that I'm more depressed right now than I have been in years. I know that grieving is healthy to do at this point, but I just want it to stop hurting. When does that happen? When do I stop waking up every morning to my first thought being of my fallen friend? When will seeing a picture of her smile stop fogging my eyes with tears?

Sam, looking back, I try my damnedest to not regret anything. That's so hard to do, and I know you understand why, better than anyone else would. But there is a certain degree of peace I can get out of the fact that I know you had a truly happy life. Everytime that I close my eyes and look back on a memory of you, you've got the most beautiful smile... I can't even remember what you looked like when you WEREN'T smiling. I'm happy though that you know that I love you, and I am glad that I don't have to regret not telling you that. You were one of the brightest, most positive forces in my life, and I loved that you loved me back. You were such an understanding friend, who I knew I could go to for anything, be it for help or just to use your ear for a while. Your advice golden, and your heart warm and pure, you were definately the most beautiful girl I've known.

I'll miss you every day of my life Sam, and I can hardly wait untill I get to see you again one day. I miss you and love you always.

Sam Williams Huff
July 12, 1986 - April 18, 2005