Friday, September 22, 2006

•

 8:52 PM   •   no hope? 

•

 8:49 PM   •  2 mistaken birds 

•

Hey, I've got a secret- I have Elmos. Yes- I have lost my mind and I'm hoping that I'll make some extra cash for Christmastime once I decide to sell. But the pathetic thing is...that if I know someone who wants one I'll sell it to them for my cost even though I dragged my kids around for 4 hours looking for the laughing monster.

 8:37 PM   •   no hope? 

•

Nearly a year since posting...is that a record? I found a spare second to type while Ellie is watching Sesame Street- gotta love Elmo when you're a parent. I'm now a parent to two. My son, Noah, is about 9 months old and a wonderful little guy. I thought I would dislike having a son until he came along and now if I ever had a third- I'd prefer another boy. But we are not planning on any more children. Mostly because we are so strapped for cash and don't want to be any tighter. Things are good here. I love my life for the most part. Being a mom is the best and I never thought I'd enjoy it as much as I do. There are the more sticky aspects of life and those are never as fun. Like my brother and his teenage dramas and my parents always having marital issues. I love my mom and I cherish her help with my kids but their problems are so complex and draining. Not to mention that I work for them and I need the money that Bob's job generates. Ugh. The best way for me to stay sane is to keep it simple. I'm not involved in much at church right now except Sunday School because I'm frankly just not that in need of social interaction. I need a day at home- doing nothing but cleaning up and letting the kids have naps in their own beds for a change. I know this period of them being babies is only a season and I'm not in a hurry to let it go.

 12:17 PM   •  5 mistaken birds 

•

I know I haven't posted in forever. But for some reason I need it right now. We are expecting our second baby Jan 11th, 06 and Ellie is now a toddler. I love being a mom but I am so worn out right now. Ellie and Mike were sick for a week and a half and then I finally got sick- with a DIFFERENT cold the same day that Mike and Ellie caught it too. So now we are all sick with a new bug and I am just barely able to see any hope in this. I know its just because I'm tired but I am fighting the tears. Eyes are beginning to well up. Work has sucked today and I was reminded about work life in an office with another female who may or may not be hormonal but for some reason decided to snap at me and emailed it to all her bosses too. The company I work for is contracted and she works for the district that hires us and she emailed her complaint to all the ones who give us the work and now I'm a bit teary about not meeting her expectations- which really isn't nice because she never has said a peep about my invoices before...actually she's always been very pleasant so it struck me all out of the blue so now I'm dealing with that and having 6 hours of sleep in the past 3 days, having to care for Ellie, be sick, have pregnancy hormones, Mike has been out of town this whole week, and I'm housesitting and babysitting for my parents. I just can't keep up or measure up to where I want to be right now in my life. Thankfully I'm picking Mike up in a half hour and maybe I can relax for a minute or two. I need a little time of reflection on Christ to snap me out of this.

 1:46 PM   •  1 dove of hope 

•

You Have A Type B+ Personality

B+ You're a pro at going with the flowYou love to kick back and take in everything life has to offerA total joy to be around, people crave your stability. While you're totally laid back, you can have bouts of hyperactivity.Get into a project you love, and you won't stop until it's doneYou're passionate - just selective about your passions

 7:00 PM   •   no hope? 

•

Wow- It's May!
I'm still reading I just have put off writing. I need to get my creative groove on. Ellie is 13 months now and she's still not walking but I'm sure she will be soon. She selectively walks when she feels like it- but not consistently. Sometimes I guess its just easier to crawl.
We went to NYC again last month and also to Boston and CT. I love it back there, especially Avon, CT> I could imagine living there someday. I always say that but I've never lived in snow before and I have a feeling I'd want to pack it up after needing to shovel a driveway. As it is- poor Mike has to clean the dog run since I never remember to do it. I'd wind up a total shut in if I couldn't go out without extra effort.

 1:33 PM   •  1 dove of hope 

•

We made it New York in November to see the Chrtistmas tree lighting. It was wonderful.

 1:46 AM   •   no hope? 

•

I've thought about it a million times but I've never sat down to write. Okay, maybe not a million but at least a hundred. Mike's working in Quebec this week and next, so I'm here with the girls. (dogs count too!) Ellie is learning how to walk which is super cute but in so many ways I don't want her to grow up and I even though I want her to progress I still want her to stay my baby. Forever. And it reminds me that each day is precious.
My days consist of caring for Ellie and then taking her to work with me and trying badly to keep my family's business out of financial disarray. Mostly I battle with focusing on the job at hand instead of Ellie climbing up my pantleg.
Last time Mike was in Canada we had a minor flood in our house and it still is a mess. Thankfully when he comes home the new floor will finally get installed and I won't have a concrete kitchen anymore. That will be AMAZING!
I've been in touch with my father since we met in November. He is an alcoholic and is battling cancer, which has been emotionally difficult. He needs a Savior. And I haven't known what to say to him about that since we've met. I want to be bold and I want to share, but it feels more complicated than that. He is a stranger, but not. And he has tons of guilt and shame for not being a father to me. I guess I stay withdrawn from him because I am afraid it will cause him to drink more- and knowing he drives impaired doesn't help either. If he was a friend I think I'd be stronger, but I feel weak and wordless when we sit at dinner. Our lives are beyond different and what I need to remember is that we both need Jesus. I know I feel above it all. It's not about me. I should be brought to my knees in awe of His forgiveness of me in my sinfulness.

Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy on me every single day.

 1:25 AM   •   no hope? 

•

Ellie was an octopus for Halloween. It couldn't have been more appropriate since she seems to have 8 arms these days. She's grabbing for anything in reach. She's keeping me on my toes. She's amazing. :-) I couldn't be much happier.
On a totally different note. For those of you who have been reading for awhile you might remember me mentioning that I do not know my biological father. I found him four years ago but I never contacted him. Last week I dropped a card off at his house just to tell him that I am happy, healthy, and have a baby. It was a lite note, but I did give him my email address if he wanted to contact me. Several days went by and I heard nothing, but I was at peace with it. I don't know him and I really just wrote to give him some info. Well, two days ago I got an email back- he had to go somewhere to email me back because he doesn't own (or use)a computer. He wants me to call him and meet me. I haven't responded yet. And I have no idea what to do. The whole thing is really awkward and uncomfortable. I HATE confontation and although I harbor no bitterness toward him whatsoever, he is still a stranger to me.

 10:58 AM   •  2 mistaken birds