Saturday, January 22, 2005

•

We made it New York in November to see the Chrtistmas tree lighting. It was wonderful.

 1:46 AM   •   no hope? 

•

I've thought about it a million times but I've never sat down to write. Okay, maybe not a million but at least a hundred. Mike's working in Quebec this week and next, so I'm here with the girls. (dogs count too!) Ellie is learning how to walk which is super cute but in so many ways I don't want her to grow up and I even though I want her to progress I still want her to stay my baby. Forever. And it reminds me that each day is precious.
My days consist of caring for Ellie and then taking her to work with me and trying badly to keep my family's business out of financial disarray. Mostly I battle with focusing on the job at hand instead of Ellie climbing up my pantleg.
Last time Mike was in Canada we had a minor flood in our house and it still is a mess. Thankfully when he comes home the new floor will finally get installed and I won't have a concrete kitchen anymore. That will be AMAZING!
I've been in touch with my father since we met in November. He is an alcoholic and is battling cancer, which has been emotionally difficult. He needs a Savior. And I haven't known what to say to him about that since we've met. I want to be bold and I want to share, but it feels more complicated than that. He is a stranger, but not. And he has tons of guilt and shame for not being a father to me. I guess I stay withdrawn from him because I am afraid it will cause him to drink more- and knowing he drives impaired doesn't help either. If he was a friend I think I'd be stronger, but I feel weak and wordless when we sit at dinner. Our lives are beyond different and what I need to remember is that we both need Jesus. I know I feel above it all. It's not about me. I should be brought to my knees in awe of His forgiveness of me in my sinfulness.

Lord, thank you for your grace and mercy on me every single day.

 1:25 AM   •   no hope?